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1、1 我们生活在科技的世界，沟通无时不在。但我们已放弃对话，只泛泛联系而已。2 在家时，家人坐在一起，却各忙各的发短信、读电子邮件。上班时，哪怕开着董事会，主管们也会发短信。上课时和约会时我们也会发短信（或上购物网、Facebook）。我的学生告诉我一项重要的新技能：在给别人发短信的同时保持与他人眼神交流；这虽然很难，却可以做到。3 过去 15 年来，我已经研究了移动连接技术，并且已经和上百个不同年龄和生活环境的人就大信息量的生活进行了探讨。我认识到，大多数人随身携带的小设备有如此强大的威力，不仅改变了人做事的内容，也改变了人的本性。4 我们已经习惯于“貌合神离”这种新的生活方式。在技术辅助下，
2、我们能够随时随地与任何人进行联系与沟通。我们想要定制自己的生活。希望能自由出入于我们所处的地方，因为我们最看重的是对自己关注圈子的控制。我们已经习惯于一种思维模式，并且坚守着自己的这个小圈子。5 我们的同事想去参加董事会议，但是只关注他们感兴趣的一小部分内容。有人认为这样也不错，但长此以往，尽管我们也时不时地联系彼此，但交往是有限的，人们都对别人隐藏着自己的想法。6 一位商人哀叹自己上班没有了同事，他不再找谁聊，也不再给谁打电话。他说不想打断他们，因为他们太忙了，都忙着各自的电子邮件。但之后他停了停更正说：“我说的也不全是事实，我也是不想被打扰者，我恨不得只用黑莓（手机）做事。”7 一个16岁
3、的男孩，很多话都靠发短信来说，他非常惋惜地说道：“某一天，终有一天，但不是现在，我要去学习怎样与别人交谈。8 在如今的职场中，越来越害怕交谈的年轻人戴着耳麦工作。走过大学图书馆或高新科技园，可看到同样情形：人们呆在一起，但彼此仅属于自己那个由键盘和小触摸屏连接的小天地。波士顿一家法律事务所的经理描述了其办公室一景：年轻同事将他们一整套科技装备（笔记本电脑、ipod、多功能手机）一字排开，然后戴上像飞行员一样大的耳机。俨然一名飞行员。他们的办公桌变成了驾驶舱。” 随着年轻律师进入各自的驾驶舱，办公室寂静下来，那是一种不想被打破的沉寂。9 就在这种沉寂中，人们联络着许多人（当然要小心设防），内心由
4、此得到慰藉。如果我们使用电子技术就可以与别人保持在可控的范围内，不太近也不太远，刚刚好的距离，我们却不可能足够了解别人，我想这就是“金发女孩效应（比喻恰到好处的效果）”。1 We live in a technological universe in which we are always communicating. And yet we have sacrificed conversation for mere connection.2 At home, families sit together, texting and reading e-mail. At work executive
5、s text during board meetings. We text (and shop and go on Facebook) during classes and when were on dates. My students tell me about an important new skill: it involves maintaining eye contact with someone while you text someone else; its hard, but it can be done.3 Over the past 15 years, Ive studie
6、d technologies of mobile connection and talked to hundreds of people of all ages and circumstances about their plugged-in lives. Ive learned that the little devices most of us carry around are so powerful that they change not only what we do, but also who we are.4 Weve become accustomed to a new way
7、 of being “alone together”. Technology-enabled, we are able to be with one another, and also elsewhere, connected to wherever we want to be. We want to customize our lives. We want to move in and out of where we are because the thing we value most is control over where we focus our attention. We hav
8、e gotten used to the idea of being in a tribe of one, loyal to our own party.5 Our colleagues want to go to that board meeting but pay attention only to what interests them. To some this seems like a good idea, but we can end up hiding from one another, even as we are constantly connected to one ano
9、ther.6 A businessman laments that he no longer has colleagues at work. He doesnt stop by to talk; he doesnt call. He says that he doesnt want to interrupt them. He says theyre too busy on their e-mail. But then he pauses and corrects himself. “Im not telling the truth. Im the one who doesnt want to
10、be interrupted. Id rather just do things on my BlackBerry.7 A 16-year-old boy who relies on texting for almost everything says almost wistfully, “Someday, someday, but certainly not now, Id like to learn how to have a conversation.”8 In todays workplace, young people who have grown up fearing conver
11、sation show up on the job wearing earphones. Walking through a college library or the campus of a high-tech start-up, one sees the same things: we are together, but each of us is in our own bubble, furiously connected to keyboards and tiny touch screens. A senior partner at a Boston law firm describ
12、es a scene in his office. Young associates lay out their suite of technologies: laptops, iPods and multiple phones. And then they put their earphones on. “Big ones. Like pilots. They turn their desks into cockpits.” With the young lawyers in their cockpits, the office is quiet, a quiet that does not
13、 ask to be broken.9 In the silence, people are comforted by being in touch with a lot of people carefully kept at bay. We cant get enough of one another if we can use technology to keep one another at distances we can control: not too close, not too far, just right. I think of it as a Goldilocks eff
14、ect.10 短信、电邮、帖子让我们展现理想的自我，也就是说我们可以编辑，如果愿意，我们还可以删除。甚至可以调整声音、体态、脸蛋、身材。不太多，也不太少，恰到好处。11 人际关系是丰富的，也是错综复杂、费心劳神的，但我们已渐渐习惯于用科技来梳理它，从深入交谈到泛泛联系的变迁就在其中。但这是个自欺欺人的过程，更为糟糕的是，随着时光流逝，我们不再在意，逐渐忘记了二者的差别。12 我们误以为零零星星的在线联系加起来便是酣畅淋漓的实景对话。但它们不是。电子邮件、微博、Facebook，它们在政治、商业、爱情和友谊方面都发挥着作用。但不管多有价值，它也无法与交谈相提并论。13 这种浅尝辄止的联系对搜集零
15、散信息可能很奏效，或者说“我想你了。”甚至就是说“我爱你。”但一到相交相知层面便无能为力。在对话时我们会在意对方。（这个单词是动态的，它来自于表示互动意义的词语。）我们可以注意到别人的语气及其他方面的细微变化。在对话中，我们会以对方的角度来看问题。14 面对面的沟通是慢慢展开的，它教会了我们耐心。当我们用数字设备交流时，我们会养成不同的习惯。随着我们网络联系的数量和速度的增加，我们开始需要更为快捷的回答。为此，我们也就问别人更简单的问题，甚至是最重要的问题，我们也都简单交流了。就像我们现在全靠有线信息生活一样。莎士比亚说过：“如果我们沉浸于给我们带来乐趣的东西，最终我们反而会被它所束缚。”15
16、 我们通过和别人对话来学会与自己交流。远离对话，意味着减少了学习自我反省能力的机会。这段日子，社会媒体不断地问我们“究竟在想什么”，而我们却不太想说一些真正的心理话。吐露心声需要信任。当面对三千之众的Facebook网友，除了泛泛地联系还能做什么呢？（不可能逐一交流）16 随着我们习惯了交谈被无形侵占，习惯于应对交谈减少的生活，我们好像情愿完全不与别人接触。理智的人会像心理学家一样对电脑程序的将来进行思考。一名高二的学生向我吐露，他希望人工智能程序能代替父亲，与其谈谈有关约会的事宜。他说，人工智能拥有更多的数据。实际上，许多人都告诉我，他们希望人工智能程序，能像苹果手机上的数字助手Siri那样
17、，具有更多功能，“她”会越来越像一个密友，在别人不听我倾诉时“她”会听着。10 Texting and e-mail and posting let us present the self we want to be. This means we can edit. And if we wish to, we can delete. Or retouch: the voice, the flesh, the face, the body. Not too much, not too littlejust right.11 Human relationships are rich; theyre
18、 messy and demanding. We have learned the habit of cleaning them up with technology. And the move from conversation to connection is part of this. But its a process in which we shortchange ourselves. Worse, it seems that over time we stop caring, we forget that there is a difference.12We are tempted
19、 to think that our little “sips” of online connection add up to a big gulp of real conversation. But they dont. E-mail, Twitter, Facebook, all of these have their placesin politics, commerce, romance and friendship. But no matter how valuable, they do not substitute for conversation. 13 Connecting i
20、n sips may work for gathering discrete bits of information or for saying, “I am thinking about you.” Or even for saying, “I love you.” But connecting in sips doesnt work as well when it comes to understanding and knowing one another. In conversation we tend to one another. (The word itself is kineti
21、c; its derived from words that mean to move, together.) We can attend to tone and nuance. In conversation, we are called upon to see things from anothers point of view.14 FACE-TO-FACE conversation unfolds slowly. It teaches patience. When we communicate on our digital devices, we learn different hab
22、its. As we ramp up the volume and velocity of online connections, we start to expect faster answers. To get these, we ask one another simpler questions; we dump down our communications, even on the most important matters. It is as though we have all put ourselves on cable news. Shakespeare might hav
23、e said, “We are consumd with that which we were nourishd by.”15 And we use conversation with others to learn to converse with ourselves. So our flight from conversation can mean diminished chances to learn skills of self-reflection. These days, social media continually asks us whats “on our mind”, b
24、ut we have little motivation to say something truly self-reflective. Self-reflection in conversation requires trust. Its hard to do anything with 3000 Facebook friends except connect.16 As we get used to being shortchanged on conversation and to getting by with less, we seem almost willing to dispen
25、se with people altogether. Serious people muse about the future of computer programs as psychiatrists. A high school sophomore confides to me that he wishes he could talk to an artificial intelligence program instead of his dad about dating; he says the A.I. would have so much more in its database.
26、Indeed, many people tell me they hope that as Siri, the digital assistant on Apples iPhone, becomes more advanced, “she” will be more and more like a best friendone who will listen when others wont.17 在花时间研究人们和技术之间的关系的这些年里，我经常听到这样的惋惜声“没有人听我说话。”我想，这正好帮忙解释了为什么一个Facebook页面或Twitter账号会如此具有吸引力，因为它们自动提供了许多
27、听众。这也帮忙解释了为什么，我们这么多人都毫无道理地愿意与看似关心我们的机器交流。世界各地的研究者正忙于发明具有社交能力的机器人，设计作为老人、小孩以及我们所有人的伴侣。18 在我研究中最难忘怀的一幕是当我将一设计成小海豹形状的社交机器带给一家养老院，一个老太太马上向它倾诉起自己的丧子之痛。机器人盯着她的眼睛，仿佛听懂了她的话，老太太倍感安慰。19 许多人都发现这太神奇了。就像那个想从人工智能程序得到约会建议的高二生和那些期待用计算机进行精神治疗的人，这种热情就说明了我们把面对面交谈与和机器交流严重混淆了。而且我们也形成了一种新的错觉，认为这种虚拟的情感就已经足够了。为什么我们会愿意与根本没有
28、人生经历的机器谈论爱情和丧子呢？我们真的对人与人的对话完全丧失信心了吗？（我们是否已丧失了信心，也许有一天也沦落为要与机器交流呢？） 20 我们期待科技的越来越多，期待彼此的却越来越少，并且好像越来越被这种没有联系却提供虚假情感的技术所吸引。时时在线/如影如形的设备提供了三个令人震撼的错觉：总有人在听我说；想要和哪里联系就能联系哪里；我们再也无须独处。的确，我们的新设备已经把孤单这一现象转化成可以解决的问题。21 人们一旦独处，哪怕几分钟，也会坐立不安，要伸手去摸电子设备。此时，联系俨然成为一种症状，而非疗法。这种想要不停联系的本能冲动构成一种新的生存方式。22 就称之为“我分享，故我存在”吧
29、。当我们有了某个想法或情感时，就通过信息技术与人分享，以此来定义自己。我们过去常常想：“我有了感觉；我要去打个电话。”现在我们的冲动是：“我想要一种感觉；我需要先发一条短信。”23 因此，为了更多地感知自己，我们更多地与别人联系。但在我们匆忙的联系中，我们从孤独的状态中脱离出来，我们的能力被我们自己分解和组合。由于缺乏独处能力，我们便向他人寻求帮助，但同时又不想去真正体会别人，就仿佛在利用他们，需要他们充当备件来支撑我们日益脆弱的自我。17 During the years I have spent researching people and their relationships with
30、 technology, I have often heard the sentiment “No one is listening to me.” I believe this feeling helps explain why it is so appealing to have a Facebook page or a Twitter feed-each provides so many automatic listeners. And it helps explain why-against all reason-so many of us are willing to talk to
31、 machines that seem to care about us. Researchers around the world are busy inventing sociable robots, designed to be companions to the elderly, to children, to all of us.18 One of the most haunting experiences during my research came when I brought a sociable robot, designed in the shape of a baby
32、seal, to an elder-care facility, and an older woman began to talk to it about the loss of her child. The robot seemed to be looking into her eyes. It seemed to be following the conversation. The woman was comforted.19 And so many people found this amazing. Like the sophomore who wants advice about d
33、ating from artificial intelligence and those who look forward to computer psychiatry, this enthusiasm speaks to how much we have confused conversation with connection and collectively seem to have embraced a new kind of delusion that accepts the simulation of compassion as sufficient unto the day. A
34、nd why would we want to talk about love and loss with a machine that has no experience of the arc of human life? Have we so lost confidence that we will be there for on another?20 We expect more from technology and less from one another and seem increasingly drawn to technologies that provide the il
35、lusion of companionship without the demands of relationship. Always-on / always-on-you devices provide three powerful fantasies: that we will always be heard; that we can put our attention wherever we want it to be; and that we never have to be alone. Indeed our new devices have turned being alone i
36、nto a problem that can be solved.21 When people are alone, even for a few moments, the fidget and reach for a device. Here connection works like a symptom, not a cure, and our constant, reflexive impulse to connect shapes a new way of being.22 Think of it as “I share, therefore I am.” We use technol
37、ogy to define ourselves by sharing our thoughts and feelings as were having them. We used to think, “I have a feeling; I want to make a call.” Now our impulse is, “I want to have a feeling; I need to send a text.”23 So, in order to feel more, and to feel more like ourselves, we connect. But in our r
38、ush to connect, we flee from solitude, our ability to be separate and gather ourselves. Lacking the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people but dont experience them as they are. It is as though we use them, need them as spare parts to support our increasingly fragile selves.24 我们认为不停的联系会使自己少些
39、孤独。但事实恰恰相反，如果我们不会独处，才越可能感到孤独。如果我们不教会我们的孩子独处，他们就只能学着怎样面对孤独。25 我喜欢与别人交谈。为了给谈交提供空间，我知道一些最基本的详细的步骤。在家里，我们可以创设一个神圣的空间，可以是厨房或是餐厅。我们使我们的汽车成为“无设备区”。我们可以向孩子们展示对话的价值。在工作场合，我们也可以如此。我们忙于交际，可能没时间就更真正重要的事情与别人交谈。员工被要求便装星期；也许经理可以制定一个对话星期四。最重要的是，我们需记住，在发短信、电子邮件、Facebook的间隙，不妨听听别人说话，即使是家长里短的无聊小事，因为这些经常是未经编辑（毫无掩饰）的时刻，
40、我们时而欲言又止、吞吞吐吐，时而沉默不语，但却向别人展示了真实的自我。26 许多个夏天我都在科德角一农舍度过，几十年来我也走过当年梭罗曾走过的沙丘。不久前，人们还抬头走路，看水、看天、看沙、看彼此，边看边谈。而现在他们却总是低头走路，忙于打字。即使和朋友、伙伴、孩子一起时，人们也总埋头于自己的电子设备。27 在此我提议，大家抬起头，看看彼此，敞开心扉聊起来吧！24 We think constant connection will make us feel less lonely. The opposite is true. If we are unable to be alone, we a
41、re far more likely to be lonely. If we dont teach our children to be alone, they will know only how to be lonely.25 I am a partisan for conversation. To make room for it, I see some first, deliberate steps. At home, we can create sacred spaces: the kitchen, the dining room. We can make our cars “dev
42、ice-free zones”. We can demonstrate the value of conversation to our children. And we can do the same thing at work. There we are so busy communicating that we often dont have time to talk to one another about what really matters. Employees asked for casual Fridays; perhaps managers should introduce
43、 conversational Thursdays. Most of all, we need to remember-in between texts and e-mails and Face book posts-to listen to one another, even to the boring bits, because it is often in unedited moments, moments in which we hesitate and stutter and go silent, that we reveal ourselves to one another.26
44、I spend the summers at a cottage on Cape Cod, and for decades I walked the same dunes that Thoreau once walked. Not too long ago, people walked with their heads up, looking at the water, the sky, the sand and at one another, talking. Now they often walk with their heads down, tying. Even when they are with friends, partners, children, everyone is on their own devices.27 So I say, look up, look at one another, and lets start the conversation.
