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1、第一场雪译文鉴赏与批评,王娟乐、张琨珩,报告大纲,原作概述,FirstSnow是一篇以描写初雪为背景，介绍了冬日初雪的场景，包括对冬日雪景的赞美、孩子们雪中嬉闹、街道、邻居家场景，通篇都穿插地讲述了主人公对小女儿疼爱有加的种种情愫。全文十三个小段，其中第1、3、4、14段是对主人公和小女儿的描写；第2、6、7段描写了冬日初雪景象；第5、8、9、11、12段描写了初雪的街道、玩雪的孩子和热闹的邻家景象。作者无论是对主人公和女人的直接描写，还是对雪景、街道、邻家的间接描写，都是想表达主人公对女儿的浓浓的情愫和绵绵的情谊。,原作赏析,选词美,But as he peeked from beneath
2、 the covers,his gaze was drawn not to the cradle but to the window.(Para 1)Peek瞥、看 Gaze凝视It was then that he realized what had sneaked through the shield of his slumbers.It was the sense of falling snow.(Para 2)Sneak 遛、偷偷地做 这会儿他才知道是什么悄然袭入他的梦乡，让他醒来。是他感觉到了窗外簌簌飘舞的雪。随风潜入夜,润物细无声.,Quietly,so as not to dis
3、turb the childs mother,he rose from the bed and inched toward the cradle.Inched towardinch 英寸 形象地描写出男子走路时，轻手轻脚，唯恐吵到自己的妻子。Reaching down,he gently lifted the warm bundle to his shoulder.Then,as he tiptoed from the bedroom,she lifted her head,opened her eyes anddaily dose of magicsmiled up at her dad.D
4、ose一剂药 这里比喻小女儿每日甜甜的微笑，都能给父亲无以名状的甜美感觉The light from the street lamp on the corner filtered down through the birch treesFilter down渗透 街角路灯的光透过白桦树，洒在地上。,The flakes were falling thick and hard now,pouring past the window,a waterfall of mystery.(Para 6)Flake雪花用词丰富Pouring 倾斜雪花飘落用了pouring Across the street
5、,a family scurried into gear.Scurried急转Gear齿轮在此指：准备行动起来很快开始了新的一天。选词往往代表了作者的感情色彩，可以看出笔者在进行创作时，词汇都是精挑细选，准确生动地呈现了作者描写的画面，,语言美,1、The light from the street lamp on the corner filtered down through the birch trees,casting a glow as green as a summer memory upon the winter-brown backyard.(Para 6)2、And as g
6、ray streaks of dawn unraveled along the black seam of the distant hills,father and daughter watched the new day ripple across the neighborhood.(Para 7)Ripple涟漪在此指的是黎明悄悄地缓缓地蔓延开来3、Finally,the kitchen door flew open and out burst three awesomely bundled objects that set instantly to rolling in the snow
7、.(Para 9)诗歌是陌生化的语言，散文则是平民化的语言，散文语言平易质朴，却离不开感情的真挚，是感情的自然流落。笔者把早晨看到的雪景、孩子们玩雪、邻居的生活，描写的淋漓尽致，饱含了作者的感情。,修辞美,比喻The flakes were falling thick and hard now,pouring past the window,a waterfall of mystery.(暗喻)(Para6)把雪花比作神秘的飞瀑Within an hour,a white tablecloth was spread upon the lawn.（暗喻）(Para7)把雪花落满草坪比喻成雪白的台
8、布拟人Occasionally,one would stick to the glass,as if reluctant to tumble to its fate.（拟人）(Para 6)偶尔，有一片雪花粘在窗玻璃上，似乎是不甘心于命运，不愿就这么落到地上去。比喻+拟人 From the distance came the endless echo of the stoplight,flashing its ruby message（比喻）,teasing like a dawn that would not come.（比喻+拟人）(Para5)远处红色交通灯光无休止地渗透过来，红宝石一般
9、闪烁着，如同姗姗来迟的黎明逗人地眨着眼睛。,修辞美,Buses ground forward like marines,determined to take the hill.（明喻+拟人）(Para 12)将buses比作marinese美国海军陆战队，take the hill take 在这里有攻占的意思。公共汽车则像停在浅滩的海军陆战队一样，随时准备夺取前面的小山。文章短短520字，6处运用修辞手法，其中2处比喻、2处拟人、2处既运用了比喻又运用了拟人，2处排比。比喻的修辞手法生动形象，化抽象为具体，给人以深刻鲜明的印象。拟人，使具体事物具有人格化，语言形象生动。,节奏美,A porc
10、h light came on.A car door slammed.A television flickered.(Para 8)They rolled in it,they tasted it,they packed it into balls and tossed it at one another.(Para 10)“A+名词+动词”、“they+动词+it”格式，运用了排比的结构，是一种语音修辞，充满节奏感，节奏美给人以音韵回环、和谐悦耳的音乐美，表达了情感，传达了意象，从字句中抓住声音节奏、从声音节奏中抓住作者的情趣和神韵。,意蕴美,Then,slowly,slipping and
11、 sliding down the glass,it would melt,its beauty fleeting.Gone.And all the while,the baby sat secure and warm in his arms.For her there would be other snowfalls to recall.But for him,it was her first.Their first.And the memory would stay,cold and hard,fresh in his thoughts,long after the snowman mel
12、ted.意蕴是作品的艺术形象所包含的内在意义和情感，它深隐在作品的内容和形式中，在读者阅读欣赏时，层层释放出绵延的认识和艺术感染力。散文的的意蕴可以表现作者的情绪，一切景语皆情语，作者寓情于景。体现了笔者晶莹的心境和多小女儿浓浓的爱意和绵绵的情愫。,译文评析,遣词造句,He wasnt sure what had awakened him.Perhaps the child had made some small noise in her sleep.But as he peeked from beneath the covers,his gaze was drawn not to the c
13、radle but to the window.（第一段）他还不大清楚是什么把他从睡梦中唤醒了，也许是孩子在梦里弄出的小声响吧，可当他悄悄从被里探出头来，吸引他目光的不是小女儿的摇篮，而是窗外。译文标红出“peek”一词译为“探”十分传神。因为peek（look quickly and often secretively at sth）匆匆地（常为秘密地）看（某物）;偷看;窥视。但是划线处译文不符合中文习惯，翻译腔太浓，汉语不会说“吸引了目光的是”，故改译为：,遣词造句,He wasnt sure what had awakened him.Perhaps the child had made
14、 some small noise in her sleep.But as he peeked from beneath the covers,his gaze was drawn not to the cradle but to the window.他还不大清楚是什么把他从睡梦中唤醒了，也许是孩子在梦里弄出的小声响吧，可当他悄悄从被里探出头来，本想看看摇篮中的女儿，却被窗外吸引了。,遣词造句,He carried her downstairs,counting the creaks on the way.Together,they settled in at the kitchen tab
15、le,and the adult in him slipped away.Two children now,they pressed their noses against the glass.（第4段）他抱着小女儿往楼下走，小心翼翼地，惟恐弄出一点儿声响。他们在厨房的餐桌边站定。此时，他觉得心中那种成人的感觉溜得无影无踪了。现在是两个孩子，鼻子贴着玻璃看雪。译文标红处“counting the creaks”和“pressed”准确生动表达原文意义。count：数数，引申为父亲小心翼翼，英语的别出心裁的count和汉语的“小心翼翼，唯恐”，均表现了一个父亲对襁褓中婴儿的关爱和温柔，纵有创不尽
16、的英雄业，举不尽的夜光杯，英雄儿仍有居家舐犊情，戏耍稚子，温情荡漾。,He carried her downstairs,counting the creaks on the way.Together,they settled in at the kitchen table,and the adult in him slipped away.Two children now,they pressed their noses against the glass.他抱着小女儿往楼下走，小心翼翼地，惟恐弄出一点儿声响。他们在厨房的餐桌边站定。此时，他觉得心中那种成人的感觉溜得无影无踪了。现在是两个孩
17、子，鼻子贴着玻璃看雪。但是划线处settle在英文中也有“坐下”的意思，鉴于语境“settled in at the kitchen table”，译为“坐在桌边更好”，而“站定”有点严肃，好像站在某个地方一动不动。划线处the adult in him slipped away译为“心中那种成人的感觉溜得无影无踪”不符合汉语行文习惯。英语中多有“无灵主语+有灵动词”的结构，如despair seized him，memory failed him，对于英语无灵主句的翻译，应按照汉语的people-orieted的习惯，把译文转化为人的动作，如“他绝望极了”“他没想起来”，相应地，“the a
18、dult in him slipped away.”译为“他的心中童心萌动”。,因此整段文字改译为：He carried her downstairs,counting the creaks on the way.Together,they settled in at the kitchen table,and the adult in him slipped away.Two children now,they pressed their noses against the glass.他抱着小女儿往楼下走，小心翼翼地，惟恐弄出一点儿声响。他们坐在厨房的餐桌边。此时，他的心中童心萌动，像个孩
19、子一样。父女俩鼻子贴着玻璃，看着窗外的雪。,段落篇章,Quietly,so as not to disturb the childs mother,he rose from the bed and inched toward the cradle.Reaching down,he gently lifted the warm bundle to his shoulder.Then,as he tiptoed from the bedroom,she lifted her head,opened her eyes anddaily dose of magicsmiled up at her da
20、d.为了不吵醒孩子的母亲，他轻轻起来，一点点挪近女儿的摇篮，俯身轻柔地将暖融融的襁褓抱起，蹑手蹑脚地走出卧室。这时，他怀中的小宝宝睁开眼睛，扬起头，像往常一样，冲爸爸一笑，这笑总让爸爸心中有说不出的甜美。首先，本段标红译文再现了原文的动词，通过生动形象的动词，一个温暖慈爱的父亲的形象跃然纸上，家的温馨渗透在字里行间。,Quietly,so as not to disturb the childs mother,he rose from the bed and inched toward the cradle.Reaching down,he gently lifted the warm bun
21、dle to his shoulder.Then,as he tiptoed from the bedroom,she lifted her head,opened her eyes anddaily dose of magicsmiled up at her dad.为了不吵醒孩子的母亲，他轻轻起来，一点点挪近女儿的摇篮，俯身轻柔地将暖融融的襁褓抱起，蹑手蹑脚地走出卧室。这时，他怀中的小宝宝睁开眼睛，扬起头，像往常一样，冲爸爸一笑，这笑总让爸爸心中有说不出的甜美。此外，本段标蓝译文多次使用ABB结构，译为整体读来更加明快，有节奏。英文原文没有用很复杂的英语词汇，而是用简单易读的词汇，表达平平
22、淡淡、真真切切的爱意。译文用ABB叠词，巧妙再现原文简单明快的特色。但美中不足的是，将“lifted her head”译为“扬起头”，稍欠妥当。,“仰”常见的汉语：民间俗语“仰头婆娘低头汉”中的“仰”表现了女子搞搞昂着头的刚烈性格；李白“仰天大笑出门去，我辈岂是蓬蒿人”中的仰头，这是何等得意自信的神态，由此可以看出“仰”的动作比幅度比较大，不适合描述襁褓中的婴儿。故建议将“lifted her head”译为“抬起小脑袋”，这样译文更加温情可人，符合原文意境。改译为：为了不吵醒孩子的母亲，他轻轻起来，一点点挪近女儿的摇篮，俯身轻柔地将暖融融的襁褓抱起，蹑手蹑脚地走出卧室。这时，他怀中的小宝宝
23、睁开眼睛，抬起小脑袋，像往常一样，冲爸爸一笑，这笑总让爸爸心中有说不出的甜美。,He wondered where they had learned this behavior.Even the littlest one,for whom this must have been the first real snowfall,seemed to know instinctively what to do.（第10段）他暗自诧异他们是从哪儿学来的这一招。即便是那个最小的孩子，按说这应该是他真正经历的第一场雪，可他似乎本能地知道在雪中该做些什么。划线处准确传达原文信息，但是措辞使译文失去了自然感，
24、有点生硬，好像孩子在雪里怎么玩耍有固定的套路，原文真情流露，措辞自然温馨，因此建议译文：他暗自诧异他们是从哪里学来的。即便是那个最小的孩子，按说这应该是他真正经历的第一场雪，可他似乎天生就知道在雪中该怎么玩。,译文总览,散文语言形式与意义紧密相连，形式是意义的体现。词语的搭配、句子的长短、修辞、排比等无不都在传达意义和美学信息。散文美是形式和内容的统一，二者缺一不可，对散文翻译批评也不能仅限于探讨其内容美和意境的传递，也要考虑其语言形式，应尽量传达原文包含的多层次美的信息。在翻译时忽略了语言的多层次美。不仅译文的美学价值会大大降低，同时原文所传达的情趣与意境也不可能在译文中完美地体现出来。总体
25、来说，本篇译文再现了原文的信息和意境，做到了“选词美、语言美、修辞美、节奏美、意蕴美”。但如果仔细咀嚼，译文还有提升空间。,参考文献,程进军.(2009).论散文翻译的审美效果.内蒙古农业大学学报(社会科学版)(01),362-363+366.黎昌抱.(2008).王佐良翻译风格研究.(博士),上海外国语大学.Available from Cnki 钱灵杰,&操萍.(2011).刘炳善散文翻译思想研究.广东外语外贸大学学报(02),89-92.舒舟.(2009).从翻译美学视角探究散文翻译中的意境迁移.(硕士),成都理工大学.Available from Cnki 王洪涛.(2007).西学与国学融会贯通 研究与鉴赏相辅相成文学翻译批评论稿评介.外语与外语教学(09),63-65.徐晶莹.(2011).从描述翻译学探析刘士聪散文翻译特点.(硕士),天津科技大学.Available from Cnki 周涛.(2004).散文翻译的美学建构评夏译散文古屋杂忆.咸宁学院学报(05),131-134.,
