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1、arsehead and hole.that your wife just died.1.oveActuallyScript-DialogueWheneverIgetgloomywiththestateoftheworld,IthinkaboutthearrivalsgateatHeathrowairport.GeneralopinionmakesoutthatweliveinaworldofhatredandgreedIdon,tseethat.Seemstomethatloveiseverywhere.Oftenit,snotparticularlydignifiedornewsworth
2、ybutitsalwaysthere.Fathersandsons,mothersanddaughters,husbandsandwives,boyfriends,girlfriends,oldfriends.WhentheplaneshittheTwinTowers,noneofthephonecallsfrompeopleonboardweremessagesofhateorrevenge,heywereallmessagesoflove.Ifyoulookforit,vegotasneakyfeelingyoullfindthatloveactuallyisallaround/1.OVE
3、ACTUALLY,IfeelitinmyfingersIfeelitinmytoes,Feelitinmytoes,yeah,LoveisallaroundmeAndsothe.-mafraidyoudiditagain,Bill.It,sjustIknowtheoldversionsowell,youknow.Well,wealldo.That,swhywe,remakingthenewversion.Right,OK,letsgo.,IfeelitinmyfingersInmyfingers,IfeelitinmytoesFeelitinmytoes,yeahnLoveisallar.Oh
4、,fuck,wank,bugger,shittingStartagain.,IfeelitinmyfingersInmyfingers,Ifeelitinmytoes,Feelitinmytoes,yeahuChristmasisallaroundmeAllaroundme,Andsothefeelinggrows,Sothefeelinggrows,It,swritteninthewindInthewind,It,severywhereIgoEverywhereIgo,SoifyoureallyloveChristmasLoveChristmas,Comeonandletitsnow,Com
5、eonandletit.Thisisshit,isntit?Yep,solidgoldshit,maestro.-God,msolate.-Itsjustroundthecorner,youllmakeit.Yousureyoudon,tmindmegoingwithoutyou?No,really.mjustfeelingsorotten.-Iloveyou.-Iknow.Iloveyouevenwhenyouresickandlookdisgusting.Iknow.Now,gooryouwillactuallymissit.Right.-DidImentionthatIloveyou?-
6、Yes,youdid.Getout,loser.Karen,it,smeagain.msorry,Iliterallydonthaveanybodyelsetotalkto.Absolutely.Horriblemoment,though.CanIcallyouback?Ofcourse.Doesn,tmeanmnotterriblyconcernedUnderstood.Er,buggeroff,callmelater.Sowhat,sthisbignews?We,vebeengivenourpartsinthenativityplayandmthelobster.-Thelobster?-
7、Yeah.-Inthenativityplay?-Yeah.FirstLobster.TherewasmorethanonelobsterpresentatthebirthofJesus?Duh.BestsandwichesinBritain.Trymylovelynuts?Beautifulmuffinforabeautifullady.Morning,myfuturewife.OK,youcanstopthere.Thanks.Ineedacoupleoforangegels.Bytheway,heintroducedmeasJohnbuteveryonecallsmeJack.Oh,fi
8、ne.Nicetomeetyou,Jack.Hegotmeright,though.mjustJudy.Great,JustJudy!-Nosurprises?-Nosurprises.-Notlikethestagnight?-Unlikethestagnight.-Youadmittheprostituteswereamistake?-Ido.Anditwouldvebeenmuchbetterifthey,dnotturnedouttobemen?Thatistrue.Goodluck,kiddo.PrimeMinister,overhere!Thankyou.-Welcome,Prim
9、eMinister.-Woh!Imustworkonmywave.Howareyou?-Howareyoufeeling?-Erm.Cool.Powerful.Wouldyouliketomeetyourhouseholdstaff?Yes,Iwouldlikethatverymuchindeed.Anythingtoputoffactuallyrunningthecountry.-ThisisTerence.He,sincharge.-Morning,sir.Goodmorning.IhadanunclecalledTerence.Hatedhim,Ithinkhewasapervert.B
10、utIverymuchlikethelookofyou.-ThisisPat.-Hello,Pat.Goodmorning,sir.mthehousekeeper.Oh,right.Ishouldbeeasierthanthelastlot.Nonappies,noteenagers,noscarywife.AndthisisNatalie.She,snew,likeyou.-Hello,Natalie.-Hello,David.Imean,sir.Shit,Icantbelievevejustsaidthat.AndnowIvegoneandsaidshit.Twice.msosorry,s
11、ir.Youcouldvesaidfuckandwedhavebeeninrealtrouble.Thankyou,sir.IhadapremonitionIwasgonnafuckuponmyfirstday.Oh,pissit!Right,llgetmythingsandthenletsfixthecountry,shallwe?Yeah,Ican,tseewhynot.-It,sallright.-DidyouseewhatIdid?-Yes,Idid.-Ijustwentbkrh.-Hellothere.-mrightoverhere.Yeah,minhere.OK.Good.Than
12、kyou.Ah.Oh,no.Thatissoinconvenient.InthepresenceofGod,PeterandJuliethavegiventheirconsentandmadetheirmarriagevowstoeachother.Theyvedeclaredtheirmarriagebythegivingofrings.Ithereforeproclaimthattheyarehusbandandwife.Andyouresistedthetemptationforsurprises.Yeah,mmaturenow.“Love,love,loveLove,loverlove
13、-,Love,love,love.-Didyoudothis?Er,no.Love,love,love,loveTheresnothingyoucandothatcan,tbedoneOhfit.Theresnothingyoucansingthatcan,tbesungTheresnothingyoucansaybutyoucanlearnhowtoplaythegame,Itseasy,A11youneedislove,A11youneedislove,A11youneedislove,loveLoveisallyouneed.1.ook,it,sPikey.Hello!Whatthehe
14、llareyoudoinghere?Oh,IjustpoppedovertoborrowsomeoldCDs.-Theladyofthehouseletyouin,didshe?-Yeah.-Lovely,obliginggirl.-Yeah.Ithoughtdpopbackandseeifshesbetter.Thisisgood.-Oh.-Listen,erm,vebeenthinking.IthinkweoughttotakeMumoutforherbirthdayonFriday.Whatdoyouthink?-Ijustfeelwe,vebeenbadsonsthisyear.-So
15、undsfine.Abitboringbutfine.Hurryup,bigboy!mnakedandIwantyouatleasttwicebeforeJamiegetshome.Iamsohappytoseeyou!-Deliciousdelicacy?-Er,no,thanks.Tasteexplosion?-Food?-No,thanks.Yeah,abitdodgy,isntit?1.ookslikeadeadbabysfinger.Oooh.Oh.Tasteslikeit,too.mColin,bytheway.-mNancy.-Wicked.-Whatdoyoudo,Nancy?
16、-macook.-Everdoweddings?-Yes,Ido.-Theyshould,veaskedyoutodothisone-Theydid.-God,Iwishyouhadnthaveturneditdown.-Ididnt.Right.-veworkedoutwhyIcantfindtruelove.-Whyisthat?Englishgirls.They,restuckup,yousee.AndIamprimarilyattractivetogirlswhoarecooler,gameforalaugh.1.ikeAmericangirls.SoIshouldjustgotoAm
17、erica!dgetagirlfriendthereinstantly.Whatdoyouthink?Ithinkit,scrap,Colin.Thatswhereyourewrong.AmericangirlswoulddigmewithmycuteBritishaccent.Yes, I do! m going to America.-Youdon,thaveacuteBritishaccent.-Colin,yourealonely,uglyarsehole.Acceptit.Never.IamColin,GodofSex.mjustonthewrongcontinent,that,sa
18、ll.Bitofquietwhilewefinishthelighting,guys!-Thetraffictodaywasjust.-Unbelievable.Judy,couldyoutakethetopoffthistime?1.ightingneedtoknowwhenwe,regonnaseethe,erm,nipplesandwhenwe,renot.Yes,OK.Right.Atleastit,sniceandwarminhere.Notalwaysthecase,isit?IwasstandinginforBradPittonceonSevenYearsInTibet.-Yes
19、,yeah.-Bloodyfreezing.Guys,timestightandwehavetogettheactorsin.-Fine.-IpromiseIwontlook.Right,letshaveanotherlookatthat,please.Canyoujustputyourhandsonherbreasts?-OK,yeah.Isthatallright?-Yes.Illwarmthemup!-Andmassagethem,please.-Right.It,sjunction13thatsjustmurder,isntit?Totalgridlockthismorning.Joa
20、ndIhadalotoftimetoprepareforthismoment.Someofherrequests,forinstance,thatIshouldbringClaucliaSchifferasmydatetothefuneral,Iwasconfidentsheexpectedmetoignore.Butothersshewasprettydamnclearabout.Whenshefirstmentionedwhat,sabouttohappen,Isaid,Overmydeadbody.1Andshesaid,No,Daniel,overmine.,rAndasusual,m
21、ydarlinggirl.andSamsdarlingmumwasright.Soshe,sgoingtosayherfinalfarewelltoyounotthroughmebut,inevitably,eversocoolly,throughtheimmortalgeniusoftheBayCityRollers.,Byebyebaby,babygoodbyeuGoodbyebaby,babybyebyeuByebyebaby,Don,tmakemecryuGoodbyebaby,babybyebyeYouretheonegirlintowndmarry,Girldmarryyounow
22、ifIwerefreeIwishitcouldbe,Icouldloveyoubutwhybeginit?uCosthereaintanyfutureinit,She,sgotmebutmnotfreeso.,Byebyebaby,babygoodbyeuGoodbyebaby,babybyebyeuByebyebaby,don,tmakemecryuGoodbyebaby,babybyebyeWishIneverhadknownyou.*Doyoulovehim?Er,er,what?No,I-Ijustthoughtdaskbluntlyincaseitwastherightquestio
23、nandyouneededsomeonetotalktoaboutitandnoonehadeveraskedyou.No.No.Noistheanswer.Absolutelynot.onmyfinger.*Sothatsano,then?Yes.Erm.Byebyebaby,babygoodbyenGoodbyebaby,babybyebye.ThisDJ,whatdoyoureckon?-Theworstinhistory?-Probably.Ithinkitallhangsonthenextsong.Nowheresoneforthelovers.That,squiteafewofyo
24、u,Ishouldn,tbesurprisedandahalf.,Andtheycalledit.”-He,sdoneit,it,sofficial.-WorstDJintheworld.Oh,Iguesstheyllneverknow.Sarahswaitingforyou.Oh,yes,ofcourse,erm.Great,er,good,good.Howareyoudoing,Mia?Settlinginfine?1.earningwhotoavoid?Absolutely.-Harry?-Sarah,switchoffyourphoneandtellmeexactlyhowlongit
25、isthatyou,vebeenworkinghere.Twoyears,sevenmonths,threedaysand,Isuppose,what,twohours?AndhowlonghaveyoubeeninlovewithKarl,ourenigmaticchiefdesigner?Um.Twoyears,sevenmonths,threedaysand,Isuppose,anhourand30minutes.Thoughtasmuch.-Doyouthinkeverybodyknows?-Yes.-DoyouthinkKarlknows?-Yes.Oh,thatis.thatisb
26、adnews.Ijustthoughtthatmaybethetimehadcometodosomethingaboutit.-Likewhat?-Invitehimoutforadrinkthencasuallymentionyoudliketomarry-Youknowthat?-Yes.AndsodoesKarl.Thinkaboutit,foralloursakes.It,sChristmas.Certainly.Excellent.Willdo.Thanks,boss.-Hi,Sarah.-Hi,Karl.Babe.Absolutely,fireaway.Mia,Mia,wouldy
27、outurnthatdown?Whatisthat?ThatwastheChristmaseffortfromtheoncegreatBillyMack.Oh,dearme,howarethemightyfallen.Icansafelysaythatistheworstrecordveheardthiscentury.Oh,andcoincidentally,IbelieveBillywillbeaguestonmyfriendMike,sshowinafewminutes1time.Welcomeback,Bill.Billy,welcomebacktotheairwaves.NewChr
28、istmassingle,coverofLoveIsAllAround.ExceptwevechangedthewordlovetouChristmas.Yestisthatanimportantmessagetoyou,Bill?Notreally,Mike.Christmasisatimeforpeoplewithsomeonetheyloveintheirlives.-Andthatsnotyou?-That,snotme,Michael.WhenIwasyoungandsuccessful,Iwasgreedyandfoolishandnowmleftwithnoonerwrinkle
29、dandalone.-Wow.Thanksforthat,Bill.-Forwhat?Foractuallygivingarealanswertoahimandhavelotsofsexandbabies.question.number one,minister?ItdoesntoftenhappenhereatRadioWatford,Icantellyou.-Askmeanything,lltellyouthetruth.-Bestshagyoueverhad?-BritneySpears.-Wow.No,onlykidding!-Shewasrubbish.-OK,heresone.Ho
30、wdoyouthinkthenewrecordcomparestoyourold,classicstuff?Comeon,Mikey,youknowaswellasIdotherecordscrap.Butwolcln,titbegreatifnumberonethisChristmaswasntsomesmugteenagerbutanoldex-heroinaddictsearchingforacomebackatanyprice?ThoseyoungpopsterscomeChristmaswillbestretchedoutnakedwithacutebirdbalancingonth
31、eirballsandllbestuckinsomedingyflatwithmemanagerJoetugliestmanintheworld,fuckingmiserablebecauseourfuckinggambledidn,tpayoff.SoifyoubelieveinFatherChristmas,children,likeyourUncleBillydoes,buymyfesteringturdofarecord.Andparticularlyenjoytheincrediblecrassnessofthemomentwetrytosqueezeanextrasyllablei
32、ntothefourthline.Ithinkyou,rereferringto,IfyoureallyloveChristmas.ComeonandletitSnoWJOuch.So,hereitisonemoretime,thedarkhorseforthisyearsChristmasChristmasIsAllAround.Thankyou,Billy.Afterthis,thenews.Isthenewprimeministerintroublealready?IfeelitinmyfingersIfeelitinmytoes,-OK.What,snext?-ThePresident
33、svisit.Ah,yes,yes.Ifearthisisgoingtobeadifficultonetoplay.Alex.Theresastrongfeelinginthepartywemustntallowourselvestobebullied-likethelastgovernment.-Here,here.Thisisourfirstreallyimportanttest,letstakeastand.Right.Right.IunderstandthatbutIhavedecided.notto.Notthistime.1.etsnotforgetthatAmericaisthe
34、mostpowerfulcountryintheworld.mnotgoingtoactlikeapetulantchild.Whodoyouhavetoscrewroundheretogetacupofteaandabiscuit?Right.Yeah,comein.-ThesearefromtheTreasury.-Uh-huh.andtheseareforyou.Excellent.Thanksalot.Iwashopingyoudwin,notthatIwoulcln,thavebeennicetotheotherbloke,justalwaysgivenhimtheboringbis
35、cuitswithnochocolate.Thanksverymuch.Thanks.Natalie.God,comeon,getagrip.You,rethePrimeMinister,forGocl,ssake.SowhatdoyoureckontoournewprimeOh,Ilikehim.Ican,tunderstandwhyhesnotmarried,though.Youknowthetype,he,smarriedtohisjob.Eitherthatorgayasapicnicbasket.Excuseme,Judy,ifyoucouldjustlowerthenipples-
36、andcheatthemabittotheleft?-OK.Ihavetosay,Judy,thisisarealpleasure,it,slovelytofindsomeoneIcanactuallychatto.-Thankyou!-Oh,well,youknow.-Andditto.-Thankyou.Themoveagain,please,Judy.-Ooh,sorry.-Oh,God,sorry.Youallright?-Excitingnews!-What?veboughtatickettotheStates.moffinthreeweeks.-No.-Yes!-Toafantas
37、ticplacecalledWisconsin.-No!Yes!Wisconsinbabes,herecomesSirColin!No,Col!ThereareafewbabesinAmerica,Igrantyou,buttheyregoingoutwithrich,attractiveguys.Tone,yourejustjealous.YouknowperfectlywellthatanybaranywhereinAmericacontainstengirlsmorebeautifulandmorelikelytohavesexwithme-thanthewholeoftheUnited
38、Kingdom.-Thatistotalbollocks.You,remad.No,mwise.StatesideIamPrinceWilliamwithouttheweirdfamily.-No,Colin,no!-Yes!-Nyet!-Da!-Nein!-Ja,darling!Right,theChristmasparty,notmyfavouritenightoftheyearandyourunhappyjobtoorganise.-Tellme.-Itsbasic,really.Findavenue,over-orderonthedrinks,bulkbuytheguacamolean
39、dadvisethegirlstoavoidKeviniftheywanttheirbreastsunfondled.-Wivesandfamilyandstuff?-Yeah.Imean,notchildren.Buttheirwivesandgirlfriends,etcetera.Oh,Christ,youhaventgotsomehorriblesix-foot,tight-T-shirt-wearingboyfriend?No.lljustbehangingaroundthemistletoe,hopingtobekissed.Really?Right.Henowspendsallt
40、hetimeinhisroom.Imean,hellbeuptherenow.-That,snotunusual.Myhorridson.-Bernard?Bernard.Staysinhisroomallthetime.Thankgoodness.Yeah,butKaren,thisisallthetime.mafraidthatthere,ssomethingreallywrong,youknow?Imean,clearlyit,sabouthismumbutChrist,hemightbeinjectingheroinintohiseyeballsforallIknow.Attheage
41、of11?Well,maybenothiseyeballs,then.Maybejusthisveins.Theproblemishismumalwaysusedtotalktohim,youknow,and.Idontknow,thiswholestepfatherthingseemssuddenlytosomehowmatterlikeitneverdidbefore.1.isten,itwasalwaysgoingtobeatotallyshittime.Justbepatient.Andmaybechecktheroomforneedles.Andthenwhenhesometimes
42、doescomeout,itsobvioushesbeencrying.It,sjustsucharidiculouswaste.Andnowifit,sgoingtoruinSam,slifeaswell.Ijustdon,tknow.Getagrip.Peoplehatesissies.Noone,severgonnashagyouifyoucryallthetime.Yeah.Absolutely.Helpful.So,what,stheproblem,Samuel?IsitjustMumorisitsomethingelse,huh?Maybeschool?Areyoubeingbul
43、lied?Orisitsomethingworse?Canyougivemeanycluesatall?-Youreallywanttoknow?-Ireallywanttoknow.Eventhoughyouwontbeabletohelp?Evenifthatsthecase,yeah.OK.Well.truthis,actually.minlove.Sorry?IknowIshouldbethinkingaboutMumandIambutminlove.IwasbeforeshediedandtheresnothingIcandoaboutit.-Arentyouabityoungtob
44、einlove?-Ah,well.OK,well.malittlerelieved.-Why?-BecauseI.thoughtit,dbesomethingworse.Worsethanthetotalagonyofbeinginlove?Er.No,youreright.Totalagony.-Night,Sarah.-Night,Karl.Yeah,absolutely.Freeasabird.Fireaway.Aloneagain.Naturally.-lldealwithit.-Mm.-Ah.Natalie.-Sir.Thanks.Natalie.Erm,mstartingtofee
45、l.uncomfortableaboutusworkingsocloselyeverydayandmeknowingsolittleaboutyou,itseemselitistandwrong.Well,theresnotmuchtoknow.Well,erm,wheredoyoulive,forinstance?Wandsworth.Thedodgyend.-Ah,mysisterlivesinWandsworth.-Oh.Sowhichexactlyisthedodgyend?Attheendofthehighstreet,HarrisStreet,neartheQueensHead.-
46、Oh,yeah,yeah,thatisdodgy.-Hm.Erm,andyoulivewithyourhusband?Boyfriend?-Threeillegitimatebutcharmingchildren?-No.No.back with my mum and dad for a while.vejustsplitupwithmyboyfriend,som-Ah.Sorry.-No,itsfine.mwellshotofhim.-HesaidIwasgettingfat.-Ibegyourpardon?Hesaidnoone,dfancyagirlwiththighsthesizeoftreetrunks.Notaniceguy,actually,intheend.No.Youknow,erm.being
