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1、祝冬日的小伙伴们HappyChris-wanza-kahSolstice至宽光至口快乐forthewinterspirits,everyone.你忘了节礼Fl和弗洛伯特婚后的加拿大身份YouleftoutBoxingDayandFlobertsCanadianbymarriage.要不是大家这么宽容Ifwewerentsuchtolerantpeople,我都要去走廊里喝蛋奶酒了dbetakingmynoginthehall.接下来拆礼物Openmygiftsnext.你们为啥都不拆Whyarentyouopening?露丝金斯伯格的珍珠项链RuthBaderGinsburgpearls.而且
2、戴着出过庭的Andtheyrecourtworn.我法学院最刻薄那帮女生的Thecriminalrecords犯罪记录ofthemeanestmeangirlsinmylawschool.哇塞戴夫&巴斯特的礼品卡Holycow.Dave&Bustersgiftcards!那是我最喜欢的餐馆和商店Thatsmyfavoriterestaurantandmyfavoritestore.送礼物是我的拿手好戏Giftgivingsortamything.我自从2013年以来毫无败绩Ihaventgivenabadonesince2013那次是我送了表弟去参加摇滚梦夏令营whenIgotmycousin
3、thattriptorockstarfantasycamp.我怎么会知道那个地方性病猖獗Howwas1supposedtoknowtheredbesomanySTDs?至于丹的最后悬念嘛AndnowfortheDanfinale!你得等等了因为你的礼物还没寄到Itwillhavetowaitbecauseyourgiftstillisnthereyet.好了大家去干活儿吧SoIguesswejustgowork.等等等等我的礼物还没送呢Wait,wait,whoa,whoa.Ihaventgivenoutmygifts.鉴于你的本性及生活中的表现Well,Iguesswedidntexpect
4、giftsfromyou,大家应该是没想到basedonyourcorenatureandeverythingyouvedone你也会送礼物inyourlifeuptothispoint.你以为你很懂是吗Showsyouwhatyouknow.刮刮乐彩票你不用这么客气的Scratch-offlotterytickets.Youshouldnthave.我猜你差一点就不客气了AndIsuspect,almostdidnt.你还在背面签名了Andyousignedtheback,谁会不喜欢签名呢becausewhodoesntloveanautograph?签名是为了保证我能分到部分奖金Thesi
5、gnatureguaranteesthatIgetacutofthewinnings.你懂的送的是心意Youknow,it,sthethoughtthatcounts,赢钱还是我的and,weltIthinkIdeservemoremoney.我才不信你呢丹Idontbuyit,Dan.你跟我们其他人一样Yougetcaughtupintheholidayspirit被这欢乐的节日气氛所感染justliketherestofus我猜每年的这个时候Isupposethereissomethingmagical一定存在着什么神奇之处-你笑什么aboutthistimeofyear.-Whyarey
6、ousmiling?虽然这是我想要的但真发生时还是有点辣眼睛Imean,itswhat1wanted,butnowthatitshappening,yikes!今晚很多人的圣诞节Tonight,alotofpeoplesChristmases都会因你而毁aregonnaberuinedbecauseofyou.我觉得这挺有趣的And1thinkthatsfun.但让我说得更喜庆些Buttoputitinmorefestiveterms,在那个圣诞节前夜TwasthenightbeforeChristmas,整个法庭andallthroughthecourt,挤满形形色♥色&hea
7、rts;的性工作者和抢劫犯thereweresexworkersandmuggers,ofeveryoddsort.酒吧里充斥着喝得烂醉的圣诞老人扒手和流浪汉Therewerepub-crawlingSantasandpickpocketsanddrifters,两个愤怒礼物交换者发生了一场激烈的刀战andaprettytoughknife-fightbetweentwoangryre-gifters.那个爱过圣诞节的那个法官ThefestiveoldJudge,whojustlovedtheseason,用残酷的事实和冷酷的理由击碎了整个夜晚wascrushedallnightlongbyh
8、ardfactsandcoldreason.她想做鲁道夫甚至是卡♥通♥版的圣伯纳犬ShewantedtobeRudolph,ormaybeacartoonStBernard,但因为职责使然她只能一脸严肃铁面无私butbecauseit,sherjob,shehadtoGrinchitrealhard.不管辩护多么完美他们都要面临牢狱之灾Despiteaperfectdefense,offtoprisontheyllhead.圣诞你♥妈♥的&heartsj夬乐MerryChris-wanker-whatever让那些含糖垃圾点心去死anda
9、llthatsugarycrap,shesaid.瞧他都作了一首诗Okay.Hedidawholepoem.那家伙绝对喜欢圣诞节ThatguytotallylikesChristmas!如果一个孩子为了对付窃贼Whenakidsetsaseriesofelaboratetraps精心设计连环陷阱那就是小鬼当家tocatchburglars,it,sHomeAlone.,如果是成年人对邮差这么做那就是电锯惊魂WhenagrownmandoesittoaPostmate,it,saSaw,movie.入狱快乐吧你个肮脏的畜生Enjoyjail,yafilthyanimal.我小时候反着玩过小鬼当家
10、WhenIwasakid,IreverseHomeAloned.我离开了自己的家人去了法国IleftmyfamilyandwenttoFrance.太让我失望了前三个人竟然都是一套Thatsdisappointing.Thelastthreeguyspulledoff“法官大人今天是圣诞节的”说辞theold,ButYourHonor,itsChristmas.抱歉没按你的诗走丹Sorrytoruinyourpoem,Dan,但我完全没觉得被烦到butthisisntbotheringmeatall.你应该把押韵改成这样Yourrhymeshouldhavegonesomethinglike那
11、是个圣诞前夜TwasthenightbeforeChristmas,丹是个混♥蛋♥他在工作andDanwasajerk.atwork.,没人能当场想出那么多韵脚的Theresnowayyoucameupwithallthatonthespot.TVOZUUVvVLVVU政♥府♥诉泰丝波特一案ThePeoplevs.TessPotter.被告被控扰乱治安Thedefendantischargedwithdisturbingthepeace.她试图在商场煽动反对圣诞老人的起义Shetriedtoleadanuprisingagainstama
12、llSanta就因为他们休息时间太长sheaccusedoftakingtoomanybreaks.法官大人波特小姐和她女儿YourHonor,MissPotterandherdaughter排了三个小时的队werestandinginlineforthreehours等着看圣诞老人一眼waitingtoseeMr.Kringle.对了我有提过她女儿小脸红的像苹果吗Oh,didImentionthatherdaughterhasrosycheeks说话带着可爱的口齿不清andanadorablelisp?这是她第一次过圣诞节AndthisisherfirstChristmas.补充在离婚后si
13、ncethedivorce.反对卖♥♥萌Objection.Pandewing.我很同情你但我认为Isympathize,butmnotsure闯进圣诞老人的小房♥子thatthebestwaytocapturetheholidayspirit逼他回去继续工作istobustintoSantasdumblittlehouse不是一种积极向上的过节方式anddraghisfatassbacktowork.她不知道圣诞老人的小房♥子ShedidnotknowthatSantaslittlehouse也是他的浴室wasalsohisbathro
14、om.我带她见圣诞老人IneededhertomeetSanta是想知道她想要什么圣诞礼物soIcouldfindoutwhatshewantsforChristmas.因为她觉得告诉别人就不灵了Shethinksifshetellsanyoneelse,itwon,tcometrue.那是吹生日蜡烛的时候Thosearebirthdaycandlerules.都是她老爹告诉她的目的是为了搞我Herfathertoldherthat,showitworked,然后人家带着新女友和她父母去卡波度假了toscrewwithmebeforeheleftforCabowithhisnewgirlfri
15、end对了她父母与我同龄andherparentswhoaremyage.我知道你过得很艰难Iknowyourehavingahardtime,但你也给一群孩子造成了阴影butyoualsotraumatizedagroupofkids包括那个派发橙汁的男生andthefreesampleguyfromOrangeJulius.所以罚款500美元但是法官大人So$500fine.But,YourHonor.来了来了Hereitcomes!今天是圣诞节啊.itsChristmas.在我妈庭审回来前Arentyousupposedtobewatchingme你都该照看我的吧untilmymomge
16、tsbackfromprocessing?你没事的我得不停刷新手♥机♥Youregood.Igottokeeprefreshing.我送礼达人的名头要保不住了Myperfectgiftstreakisinjeopardy,因为丹的礼物还没收到becauseDan,spresentstillhasntshownup.你给他买♥♥了什么Whatdidyougethim?他的偶像卡里姆阿卜杜勒贾巴尔发来的视频问候Avideomessagefromhishero,KareemAbdul-Jabbar.也就还行吧Iguessthat,sokay.老
17、葛我需要你帮个忙Gurgs?1needafavor.这是后面一个案子的证人Thisisawitnessinacaselater.她以为自己是圣诞礼物的幽灵ShethinksshestheGhostofChristmasPresent,我得找人盯着她andIgottokeepaneyeonher.直到你领悟圣诞节的真谛UntilyouappreciatethetruemeaningOfChristmasl直到找人给他做完心理评估之前UntilIcangetherapsychevaluation.你能帮忙照看一下吗-我爱莫能助Canyouwatchherforme?-dloveto,我得照看弗吉妮
18、娅butvegottowatchVirginia.当然咱俩也可以换换Imean,Iguesswecouldtrade.孩子还是妄想幽灵Kidordelusionalghost?走吧穿浴袍的1.etsgo,bathrobe.那孩子真可怜平安夜被困在这儿ThatkidsstuckhereonChristmasEve?真希望我能做点什么Oh,IwishtherewassomethingIcoulddo.先别着急难过你这样想Youknow,beforeyoufeeltoobad,justknowthatherdad她爸肯定会梳着玉米辫从卡波回来的isdefinitelycomingbackfromCa
19、bowithcornrows.这一点她不会怪你的Shecantblameyouforthat.抱歉丹我可听不进去ABBYSorry,Dan.Iwasntlistening.我得去拯救圣诞节了IgottagosaveChristmas.嘿我觉得你梳玉米辫应该挺好看Hey.Ithinkyoucouldpulloffcornrows.嘿你又不是我好朋友Hey,yourenotagoodfriend.波特小姐MissPotter.我应该能拿到你女儿的圣诞清单IthinkIcangetyourdaughtersChristmaslist.真是个圣诞奇迹Oh,itsaChristmasmiracle.拿到
20、她的圣诞清单还可以免除我的罚款Gettingherlistandwaivingmyfine?我总得问问吧Itwasworthashot.我正要去失物招领处找找婚戒mgonnagocheckthelostandfoundforweddingrings,这些东西显然LI经没那么重要了causeapparentlythosethingsdontmeananythinganymore.你好弗吉尼亚我是艾比-很高兴认识你Hi,Virginia.mAbby.-Nicetomeetyou.并没有口齿不清Hmm.Nolisp.这个丹Dan!很抱歉你没能见到圣诞老人mreallysorrythatyoudidn
21、t,gettotalktoSanta,但我可能是次佳人选butImightbethenextbestthing.你是小精灵吗Youreanelf?我不是精灵No,mmnotanelf,那你为什么这么袖珍像我的钥匙链一样Thenwhyareyoutinyandlooklikemykeychain?我是法官我跟圣诞老人是老交情了majudge,andIgotSantaClausconnections,你有什么要我交给他的吗soisthereanythingthatyoudlikemetogivetohim?比如说信之类的我刚在餐厅看到他Maybealetter?-1alreadygavehimmy
22、letter已经把信给他了-真聪明whenIsawhiminthecafeteria,Oh,thatssmart.咱们去看看他有没有处理1.etsgoseeifhehasanyfollow-ups.这里还真是一派祥和啊Heresaroomfullofholidayspirit.那里面似乎主要是伏特加Andthatspiritappearstobemostlyvodka.好吧弗吉妮娅Allright,Virginia.你把信给哪一位圣诞老人了WhichoneoftheseSantasdidyougiveyourletterto?那个在桌上打盹的Isitthatonetakingatablenap
23、,还是躺在地上的那个orthatoneallcoziedupontheground?怎么一下多了这么多圣诞老人WheredidalltheseSantascomefrom?每年城里的酒鬼都会聚在一起Well,everyyear,thecitysdrunksgathertogether参加名为“圣诞老人♥大♥会”的金酒狂欢派对foragin-soakedfreakfestknownasSantaCon.她还太小应该没听过圣诞老人&hearts汰♥会“Maybeshe,stooyoungtolearnaboutSantaCon.也对Fairenough.弗
24、吉妮娅这些人都是圣诞老人的替身Virginia,theseareSanta,sbodydoubles.你熟悉萨♥达♥姆♥侯赛因吗AreyoufamiliarwithSaddamHussein?我有个主意Igotanidea.不如你带弗吉妮娅去别的地方WhydontyoutakeVirginiasomewhereelse我去找真正的至诞老人andlltrackdowntherealSanta?这肯定比在糖果工厂里ThisisgonnabeharderthanthatWhere,sWaldo?,找出沃尔多还要难whenhewenttothecandycan
25、efactory.左下角Bottomleftcorner!瞧Behold!那边的女人在这个欢乐时刻给亲人发短♥信♥Thatwomantextinglovedonesatthisjoyoustimeofyear.你是不是也该放放工作狂的作风了Kindofmakesyouwanttochangeyourmiserlyways,huh?!知道吗Youknow无意冒犯但你根本不像幽灵donttakethisthewrongway,butyourenotmuchofaghost.你只不过是把厉&hearts乂间里Yourejustlookingaroundtheroom大家的
26、活动一一复述andtellingmethingsthatarehappening.我在圣诞这一天IntheChristmaspresent,会带你找到属于自己的圣诞顿悟nudgingyoutowardsyourChristmasepiphany.以下就是我的顿悟你之所以出现在这里HeresmyepiphanyYou,reonlyhere因为你目睹了一个偷♥窥♥狂becauseyouwitnessedapeepingtom蹲在防火梯上偷♥窥♥他的前女友spyingonhisex-girlfriendfromafireescape.我本来也在
27、上面的Iwouldhavebeenupthere,too,但我的火鸡腿掉下来了butIdroppedmyturkeyleg.瞧啊又有个人在打电♥话♥了Oh,behold!Anotherpersonontheirphone!我得去喝点水我跟你一起去Ineedsomewater.-Illgowithyou.我得去洗洗我的火鸡腿Ihavetowashmyturkeyleg.你都成幽灵了还担心细菌吗Whywouldyoucareaboutgermsifyoureaghost?!你们网站显示我的卡里姆视频已到货YourwebsitesaidmyKareemvideowould
28、beherebynow.请问我为什么还没收到Whatcouldbepossiblybethehold.up?我再打给你贾巴尔先生Ooh,uh,letmecallyouback.Mr.Abdul-Jabbar.原来来的是实物啊你是老葛吧Yourenotavideo.-YoureGurgs,right?我被你对你朋友的描述感动了Iwassomovedbywhatyouwroteaboutyourfriend,我决定为这位“人间天使“Idecidedtogivethisangelonearth送一份最好的礼物thebestpresentever-我自己me.哇你礼物的逼格一下子高了Wow.Nowyo
29、urgiftisgoingtobewaybetter!卡里姆求你帮帮忙Kareem,wouldyoubealamb把天花板上的彩带弄直好吗直andstraightenthatceilingtinsel?没问题Onit.弗吉尼亚我们出大事了Virginia,wearecapital-FFudged.丹不会喜欢这个的-为什么Dansgonnahatethis.-Why?你不说他很喜欢卡里姆吗YousaidhelovesKareem.对只是隔着屏幕的喜欢不是当面见到Yeah,onatinyscreen,notinperson.丹讨厌人类”Danhatespeople.所以我录视频的主意再完美不过了T
30、hatswhymyvideowasperfect.一位依然在世的传奇人物Danwouldgettoholdalivinglegend会出现在他的掌心他可以像上帝一样决定inthepalmofhishand,muteandunmute要不要给这个庞然大物静音thistitanatwill,likeaGod.这就是丹的乐趣所在ThatshowDangetshiskicks.并不是亲眼看到比他优秀的高富帅Notbymeetingsomebodyricherandtallerthanhim!所以你是让我搜查一屋子So,thedealisIhelpyoupatdownaroomful酩酊大醉的圣诞老人找
31、到这孩子的圣诞清单ofover-servedSantaslookingforsomekidsChristmaslist.而于我而言一点回报都没有吗Andtosweetenthedeal,Igetnothinginreturn?你可以把这张彩票拿回去Well,youcouldgetthisticketback.天这种彩票我家有一堆Ooh!Ivegotabagfulloftickets.莱尼可以让我们单独聊聊吗1.enny,canwehavethehall?没错你家确实不缺彩票Youreright.Youdohavealotoftickets.但那些彩票上有Doanyofthemhave.两个李子
32、Doubleplums!对啊没错Yeah,that,sright.看来这张彩票的赢面很大1.ookslikewereonourwaytoarealnicetickethere.要是出了什么事那就太可惜了Beadamnshameifsomethingweretohappentoit什么Wh-搞毛线啊你给我听着AbracadabraStone,youlookatme.这可是两个李子耶再来一个就是一百万奖金了Doubleplumsthatsoneplumawayfrom$1million.大奖可以是我们的你的和我的Couldbeours,Abby.yoursandmine.帮我拯救小女孩的圣诞节He
33、lpmesavethislittlegirlsChristmas,彩票就归你andtheticketsyours.要是敢拒绝我就烤了你的李子Refuse,and1roastyourplums.你看着像是见利忘圣诞节的人吗DoIlooklikesomeonewholovesmoneymorethanChristmas?不是这让我恶心No.Itdisgustsme.你今晚有收到小女孩的信吗Allright.Didalettergirlgiveyoualettertonight?这是我有史以来最烂的一次约会Thisistheworstdateveeverbeenon.你♥爸&heart
34、s;看着还挺酷Yourdadseemscool.里面大多都是毒品1thinkmostofthisisdrugs.就算是也是精灵瞒着我放进去的Ifitis,theelvesputemintherewithoutmyknowledge.我知道自己身材魁梧我知道自己胡子茂盛Yes,Iamamanofsize.Yes,Ihavealushbeard.但也不用每次我穿上MustIthereforebeaccosted这身最爱的运动装就有人纷纷来搭讪吧everytimeIwearmyfavoriteathleisuresuit?至少你有饼干吃Atleastyougetcookies.但我要的是尊重What
35、Iwantissomedamnrespect!想和圣诞老人聊聊吗规矩你懂的IfyouwannatalktoSanta,youknowwhatyouhavetodo.你有没有收到那封信Doyouhavetheletterornot?没有Idonot.这也太蠢了Thisisstupid.照这么下去绝对是死胡同Werenotgonnagetanywherelikethis.这里还剩30多个圣诞老人呢Therearelike30Santasleftinhere.跳过脸上有纹身的呢Wecouldskiptheoneswiththefacetattoos.行吧那还剩下26个圣诞老人Oh,fine.Ther
36、eare26Santasleftinhere.坏孩子什么鬼Naughty!-0w!Whatthehellwas坏孩子坏孩子Naughty.Naughty.好孩子-嘿Nice.Hey!坏孩子Naughty.弗吉尼亚也有这种精灵钥匙链Virginiahadoneoftheseelfkeychains.那个圣诞老人一定就是他HemustbeherSanta.对他的钥世链看着像Yeah,hiskeychainlooksjustlike我不是精灵mnotanelfl没甜头我是不会开口的*IwonttalkuntilIgetsome*没甜头我是不会开门的*1wonttalkuntilIgetsome*没甜
37、头我是不会开口的*No,IwonttalkuntilIgetsome*所以给我再来点啤酒*Sogivememorebeer*快回答Justanswerthequestion.你有收到一个小女孩的信吗Didyougetaletterfromalittlegirl?收到了呀但跟你有什么关系Yeah,Igotaletter.Butwhywouldithelpyou?你是那个认定我有罪的人Youretheladywhofoundmeguilty.我要律师-我就是你的律师Iwantmylawyer.-1amyourlawyer.要是我们把这个给你呢嘿我去俩李子呢Whatifwegaveyouthis?-
38、Holycrap.Twoplums.嘿那是我的李子Hey,thosearemyplums.行吧彩票换那封信Allright,fine.Theticketfortheletter.给你拿着吧Here,takeit.知道吗这其实不重要Youknowwhat?Itreallydoesntmatter.如果真的中奖我还是能分走一半Ifitsawinner,Istillgethalf.这个设计太完美了It,saperfectsystem.等等这不是一个小女孩写的信Wait.Thisisntaletterfromalittlegirl.这是一个叫“小女孩”的脱衣舞俱乐部的关门令Itsaceaseandde
39、sistfromastripclubcalledLittyGirls.倒霉精灵鞋Ah!Elfshoe?1我真谢谢你了Thanksfornothing!不听话不听话-嘿Naughty.Naughty.Hey,hey,hey!愿你被堵在烟囱里Ihopeyougetstuckinachimney!行吧这条线索断了Allright,well,somuchforthat.丹Dan?-Huh?我觉得我有办法IthinkIfiguredoutaway拿到弗吉妮娅的圣诞愿望清单了thatwecangetVirginiasChristmaslist真棒虽然我很乐意帮你Oh,great.Youknowwhat?d
40、lovetohelpyou,但今天是平安夜butitisChristmasEve,我跟我空荡荡的公♥寓♥有约了and1haveadatewithmyemptyapartment.我不知还要把卡里姆阿卜杜尔贾巴尔藏到哪儿去mrunningoutofplacestohideKareemAbdul-Jabbar.他见不到丹菲尔丁是不会走的HesnotgonnaleaveuntilhemeetsDanFielding,所以你得来扮演丹菲尔丁soIneedyoutobeDanFielding.没问题我了解丹Noproblem.1knowDan.他的每个举止和面部表情Every
41、mannerism,everyfacialtick.我可以扮成丹菲尔丁IwillbecomeDanFielding.丹不在里面我问过所有人了Danwasntinthere.Iaskedeveryone.贾巴尔先生我想给你介绍一个人Um,Mr.Abdul-Jabbar,theressomeonedlikeyoutomeet.我是默里弗洛伯特mMurrayFlobert.你觉得我现在学篮球会不会太晚Doyouthinkitstoolateformetolearnbasketball?等等我不该自爆名字的Wait.Iwasntsupposedtosaymyname.行吧祝你好运老葛Oh,well.G
42、oodluckwithyourplay,Gurgs.你帮我打开了思路Youremakingmerethinkeverything.也许是我太依赖MaybeIdorelytoomuchon过去和未来的圣诞幽灵了theGhostsofChristmasPastandFuture.我是不是个大坏人AmItheworstone?!抱歉我无法回到过去SorryIdonttravelbackintime.抱歉我没法把一个老人放进自己的坟墓SorryIcantthrowanoldmaninhisowngrave!失陪下Excuseme.我先离开一会儿mjustgonnaescapeforasecond.你今
43、晚过得怎么样老葛呃问我吗Howsyournightgoing,Gurgs?Oh,mine?我戳穿了一个幽灵说她没有魔力Oh,vethrownaghostintoanexistentialcrisis她现在陷入了生存危机bypointingoutthatsheisnotmagic.哦我知道那种感觉Hey,Iknowwhatthatslike.我有时候觉得自己在球场上干啥都行SometimesitfeltlikeitdidntmatterwhatIdid人人都爱魔术师onthecourt,everybodylovedMagic.看来我们有很多共同点喽贾巴尔IguessWehavealotincom
44、mon,KareemAbdul-Jabbar.叮叮当叮叮当Jinglebell,jinglebell.航鱼squid.这些图案都是谁选的Whochoosestheseimages?丹快看我Hey,Dan,checkmeout.这会助我拿到弗吉妮娅的圣诞清单ThisishowmgonnagetVirginiasChristmaslist.嗨有人要精神科诊断吗Hi,someonecallforapsychconsult?不需要诊断了Theconsultisnolongernecessary.你可以直接把她带走Youcanjusttakeheraway.行吧所以你这身中了邪的打扮So,howisth
45、iscryforhelp怎么就能找到那个女孩的圣诞清单呢goingtogetyouthegirlsChristmaslist?弗吉尼亚已经把我当精灵了所以Virginiaalreadythinksmaneltso因为你爱吃饼干还喜欢拿个小锤子Becauseyoulovecookiesanduseatinyhammer坐在台上工作吗andworkonabench?好吧也许我确实有不少精灵特质Yeah,IguessIdohavealotofelfqualities.更别提你的身高了Nottomentionyourheight.我的身高是平均水平好吧Myheightiscompletelyaverage.我可以给你看看相关研究从19世世纪开始的Icanshowyoustudies.fromthe1800s.听着我知道机会渺茫但有了运气1.ook,Iknowitsalongshot,butwithalittlebitofluck和魔法的加持andalittlebitofmagic.啼喻啼Ho,ho,ho!你干什么啊Whatareyoudoing?我只是丹丹再做一次Uh,IwasjustDan,Dan,dothatagai
