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1、Fantastic Fables Fantastic Fables By Ambrose Bierce, 1 Fantastic Fables Aesopus Emendatus The Cat and the Youth The Farmer and His Sons Jupiter and the Baby Show The Man and the Dog The Cat and the Birds Mercury and the Woodchopper The Fox and the Grapes The Penitent Thief The Archer and the Eagle T
2、ruth and the Traveller The Wolf and the Lamb The Lion and the Boar The Grasshopper and the Ant The Fisher and the Fished The Farmer and the Fox Dame Fortune and the Traveller The Victor and the Victim The Wolf and the Shepherds The Goose and the Swan The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass The Snake and the
3、 Swallow The Wolves and the Dogs The Hen and the Vipers A Seasonable Joke The Lion and the Thorn The Fawn and the Buck The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk The Wolf and the Babe The Wolf and the Ostrich The Herdsman and the Lion The Man and the Viper The Man and the Eagle The War-horse and the Miller
4、 The Dog and the Reflection The Man and the Fish-horn The Hare and the Tortoise Hercules and the Carter The Lion and the Bull The Man and his Goose The Wolf and the Feeding Goat Jupiter and the Birds The Lion and the Mouse The Old Man and his Sons The Crab and his Son The North Wind and the Sun The
5、Mountain and the Mouse The Bellamy and the Members 2 Fantastic Fables 3 Fantastic Fables Old Saws with New Teeth The Wolf and the Crane The Lion and the Mouse The Hares and the Frogs The Belly and the Members The Piping Fisherman The Ants and the Grasshopper The Dog and His Reflection The Lion, the
6、Bear, and the Fox The Ass and the Lions Skin The Ass and the Grasshoppers The Wolf and the Lion The Hare and the Tortoise The Milkmaid and Her Bucket King Log and King Stork The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion The Monkey and the Nuts The Boys and the Frogs 4 Fantastic Fables The Moral Principle and the Mat
7、erial Interest A MORAL Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for but one. Down, you base thing! thundered the Moral Principle, and let me pass over you! The Material Interest merely looked in the others eyes without saying anything. Ah, said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, let
8、 us draw lots to see which shall retire till the other has crossed. The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering stare. In order to avoid a conflict, the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat uneasily, I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me. Then the Material Interest
9、 found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence it was its own tongue. I dont think you are very good walking, it said. I am a little particular about what I have underfoot. Suppose you get off into the water. It occurred that way. 5 Fantastic Fables The Crimson Candle A MAN lying at the point of deat
10、h called his wife to his bedside and said: I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an un
11、worthy woman. In my desk you will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest and has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in existence you will not remarry. The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the head of the bier, holdi
12、ng a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted entirely away. 6 Fantastic Fables The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine A BLOTTED Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said: Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of o
13、ne who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things. When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said: Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire
14、approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA MACULATA, which is dirty from birth. 7 Fantastic Fa
15、bles The Ingenious Patriot HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a paper from his pocket, saying: May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will b
16、e invulnerable, and therefore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majestys Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a million tumtums. After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Ex
17、tortion Department for a million tumtums. And here, said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from another pocket, are the working plans of a gun that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majestys Royal Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to y
18、our Majestys throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is one million tumtums. Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into still another pocket, remarking: The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your Majesty, but f
19、or the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new- The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach. Search this man, he said, and report how many pockets he has. Forty-three, Sire, said the Great Head Factotum, completin
20、g the scrutiny. May it please your Majesty, cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, one of them contains tobacco. Hold him up by the ankles and shake him, said the King; then give him a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. 8 Fantastic Fables Let a decree issue declaring ingenuit
21、y a capital offence. 9 Fantastic Fables Two Kings THE King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of Bornegascar, wrote him as follows: Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your Minister from my capital. Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of
22、Bornegascar replied: I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him! This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to comply he fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment. 10 Fantastic Fables An Officer and a
23、Thug A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal. Dont be too hard on me, said the Officer, smiling; I was beating him with a stuffed club. Nevertheless, persisted the Chief of Police, it was a liberty that mus
24、t have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please do not repeat it. But, said the Officer, still smiling, it was a stuffed Thug. In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was ruptured at the arm-pit and
25、 a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a stuffed Chief of Police. 11 Fantastic Fables The Conscientious Official WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering with the switches he received word that t
26、he President of the road was about to discharge him for incompetency. Good Heavens! he cried; there are more accidents on my division than on all the rest of the line. The President is very particular, said the Man who brought him the news; he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with less
27、 damage to the companys property. Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows? exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the rails. Does he take me for an assassin? 12 Fantastic Fables How Leisure Came A MAN to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his breakfa
28、st in order to catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the sugar- bowl and was reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he stuck a pickle-fork into his right eye, and on removing the fork the eye came with it. In buying spectacles the needless outlay for the right lens soon reduced hi
29、m to poverty, and the Man to Whom Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a wharf. 13 Fantastic Fables The Moral Sentiment A PUGILIST met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, who was carrying a hat-box. What have you in the hat-box, my friend? inquired the Pugilist. A new frow
30、n, was the answer. I am bringing it from the frownery - the one over there with the gilded steeple. And what are you going to do with the nice new frown? the Pugilist asked. Put down pugilism - if I have to wear it night and day, said the Moral Sentiment of the Community, sternly. Thats right, said
31、the Pugilist, that is right, my good friend; if pugilism had been put down yesterday, I wouldnt have this kind of Nose to-day. I had a rattling hot fight last evening with - Is that so? cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community, with sudden animation. Which licked? Sit down here on the hat-box and
32、tell me all about it! 14 Fantastic Fables The Politicians AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a beautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City of Prosperous Obscurity. Lured by the flowers and the shade and charmed by the songs of birds which invited to
33、woodland paths and green fields, his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and glittering palaces in the distance on either hand, the Young Politician said: Let us, I beseech thee, turn aside from this comfortless road leading, thou knowest whither, but not I. Let us turn our backs upon duty
34、 and abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages which beckon from every grove and call to us from every shining hill. Let us, if so thou wilt, follow this beautiful path, which, as thou seest, hath a guide-board saying, Turn in here all ye who seek the Palace of Political Distinction. It is a
35、beautiful path, my son, said the Old Politician, without either slackening his pace or turning his head, and it leadeth among pleasant scenes. But the search for the Palace of Political Distinction is beset with one mighty peril. What is that? said the Young Politician. The peril of finding it, the
36、Old Politician replied, pushing on. 15 Fantastic Fables The Thoughtful Warden THE Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors of all the cells when a mechanic said to him: Those locks can all be opened from the inside- you are veryimprudent.The Warden did not look up from his wor
37、k, but said: If that is called imprudence, I wonder what would be called a thoughtful provision against the vicissitudes of fortune. 16 Fantastic Fables The Treasury and the Arms A PUBLIC Treasury, feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents, exclaimed: Mr. Shareman, I move for a division. You seem to
38、 know something about parliamentary forms of speech, said the Two Arms. Yes, replied the Public Treasury, I am familiar with the hauls of legislation. 17 Fantastic Fables The Christian Serpent A RATTLESNAKE came home to his brood and said: My children, gather about and receive your fathers last bles
39、sing, and see how a Christian dies. What ails you, Father? asked the Small Snakes. I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal, was the reply, accompanied by the ominous death-rattle. 18 Fantastic Fables The Broom of the Temple THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capit
40、al of the province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise means of defence. The first speaker thought the best policy would be to offer a fried jackass to the gods. The second suggested a public procession, headed by the W
41、ampog himself, bearing the Holy Poker on a cushion of cloth-of-brass. Another thought that a scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a suitable incantation chanted over the remains. The advice of the fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg. When all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said: High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened attentively to all the plans proposed. All seem wise, and I do not suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be
