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1、外星居民前情提要PreviouslyonResidentAlien*.地球上到处都是灰人混血ThereareGrey-humanhvbridsallovertheEarth.如果有人搞小动作我会知道的Ifanybody1Suptosomething,llknowit.我要走了麦克斯但你很特别mgoingaway,Max,butyou,respecial.只有你能看见外星人Youretheonlyonewhocanidentifyaliens.我就是外星追踪者IamtheAlienTracker.我有话要跟你说Ineedtotellyousomething.约瑟夫是个灰人JosephisaGre
2、yalien.我要再次跟约瑟夫约会了mqoingtogoonanotherdatewithJoseph.我会找出你要的信息好吗llfindoutwhatyouneedtoknow,OK?我跟你一起拯救地球YouandIaregonnasaveEarthtogether.J我相信那闪烁的JJIbelieveinthestars?J满空繁星JJThatcovertheskyJJ我相信高高在上的月亮JJIbelieveinthemoonabove/70年前别走太远宝贝天黑了Dontwandertoofar,honey.Itsdark.我相信上帝创造它们jlbelieveGodmadethem是为了让
3、我们寄托梦想JForyouandItodreamon温泉真不敢相信你跟外星人是朋友Icantbelieveyourefriendswithanalien.他有几条肢体Howmanylimbsdoeshehave?6个还有锋利的牙齿和黑色的舌头Six,withrazor-sharpteethandablacktongue.酷Cool.而且他用馅饼沾燕麦粥Andhedipshispieinoatmeal.真野蛮Hesabeast.准备好了Getready.你们就要见到活生生的外星人了Youreabouttomeetareal-lifeextraterrestrial.你来这F什么我不喜欢有客来Wh
4、atareyoudoinghere?Idontwantvisitors.而且你知道我讨厌AndyouknowthatIhate有自行车停在我的车道上bikelinesinmydrivewaydirt.外星人就爱开玩笑Aliensarealwaysmakingjokes.进来吧Comeon.我给你讲个笑话Ihaveajokeforyou.什公东西有三个头Whathasthreeheads而且必须马上离开我的房♥子你猜andhastoqetoutofmyhouseanditsyou?我们Us?你听过这个笑话Oh,youveheardit.等下那个暴躁的头巾小Y头呢Wait,where
5、isgrumpyheadscarf?她搬走了-丢下你一个人Shemovedaway.-Andleftyouhere?那就像切下一只鸡的脑袋Oh,that,slikecuttingofftheheadofachicken然后看着它歪歪倒倒撞向墙andwatchingitsdumblittlebodyrunintowalls.我不需要萨哈尔IdontneedSahar,而且我也不是一个人andmnotbymyself.我创建了外星人俱乐部Istartedanalienclub.他们是玛丽和里奥ThisisMariandLeo.我已经忘了你们叫啥Ihavealreadyforgottenyourna
6、mes.玛丽-里奥Mari.-Leo.我们来这就想让你变身外星人Wecameheresoyoucouldturnintoanalien给他们看看你的真实样子andshowthemwhatyoureallylooklike.这个小兔崽子已经够坏了Thislittleshitmonkeyisbadenough.我可不想多两个白♥痴♥围着我转Idonotwanttwomoreidiotschasingmearound.我不明白你在说什么Idontknowwhatyouretalkingabout我不是外星人mnotanalien.他骗人Hesaliar.你才骗人Youre
7、theliar.麦克斯都不是他的真名Maxisntevenhisrealname.他叫朱塞佩It,sGiuseppe.没关系我真名叫毕夏普ItsOK.MyrealnameisBishop.毕夏普Bishop?我明白为啥你不愿说真名了Iseewhyyoukeepthattoyourself.那我就没办法了Youleavemenochoice.我一直在找这个电击枪Ihavebeenlookingforthattasereverywhere!早就该想到是这个小杂种偷走了Ishouldhaveknownthislittlepeckerstoleit.现身吧外星入Revealyourtrueselfno
8、w,alien.我想拿回来Iwantitback.它能让我的咖啡几秒就热Itheatsmycoffeeinseconds.但如果我抢走他们会觉得我在意ButifItakeit,thevwillthinkIcare可能就相信我是个外星人了andmavbelieveIamanalien.我还是等等Iwillwait.反正这个白♥痴♥Itisonlyamatteroftime迟早会电到他自己beforethisidiotzapshimself.我就知道他不是外星人1knewhewasn,tanalien.我们还是走吧Weshouldgo.我叫麦克斯我是新的外星人追踪者My
9、nameisMax,andmthenewAlienTracker.人类终其一生Humansspendtheirentirelives相信自己是特殊的存在believingtheyarespecial.即使死了也会想尽一切办法Evenaftertheydie,theydoeverything继续维持特殊的存在感intheirpowertoremainspecialforever-建墓碑颁纪念奖章tombstones,plaques,或是以他们名字命名的旧图书馆oldlibrarieswiththeirnamesonthem.不久前地球上最聪明的人Notlongago,thesmartestmin
10、dsonEarth还相信太阳会绕着他们转believedthesunrevolvedaroundthem.事实E多数人类点也不特别Thetruthismosthumansarenotspecialatall.你好混球你也不特别Hello,asshole.Youarenotspecialeither.我有阿斯塔并肩作战我们会共同找出IhaveAstaonmyside,andtogetherwewillfindout你来这的原因whyyouarehere.乱扔垃圾罚款501.itteringisa$50fine.我知道Iknowthat我正要放进我车里m.puttingitinmytruck.如果
11、是液体就不算乱扔了It,snotlitteringifitsliquid.这下我要再买♥♥一杯咖啡了NowIneedtogetanothercoffee.约瑟夫是灰人JosephisaGreyalien.你不能再跟他约会Youcantqoonanotherdatewithhim.不是约会Itsnotadate.我只要在晚餐时坐他对面Ijusthavetositacrossfromtheguyatdinner让他有兴趣留下来andkeephiminterestedinstaying.听起来跟我的约会没两样Thatsoundslikeeverydateveeverbee
12、non.只要让哈利有足够时间搜查他的公♥寓♥就行JustlongenoughforHarrytosearchhisapartment.你真的相信哈利的计划吗ButdoyoureallytrustHarrysplan?他上个计划是啥来着不是摧毁地球吗Whatwashislastplanagain,todestroytheEarth?结果呢Mowdthatworkout?什公都还在Uh,everythingsstillhere.达西我保证你不用担心我好吗DarcyzIpromise,youdonthavetoworryaboutme,OK?我会没事的llbefine.好
13、好极了OK,great,yeah.我知道你会没事因为我要跟你一起去I-1knowyoullbefinebecausemcomingwith.我就在柜台附近陪你mgonnabeatthecounterasbackup.不不行No.Noway.约瑟夫会认出你的Josephwillrecognizeyou,OK?那他就会有所提防Andthenhellbesuspicious.我连我爸都没说1.ook,Ididnteventellmydad.万一有危险呢Whatifitgetsdangerous?你还记得在双绳跳赢了劳拉罗伯茨那次吗DoyourememberwhenyoubeatLauraRobert
14、satdoubleDutch结果她把你的头像鸵鸟一样塞进沙子里andsheshovedyourheadintothesandlikeanostrich?才没有Notreally.也许有吧Maybe.但那是三年级的事了Thatwasthirdgrade,though,OK?我能照顾好我自己Icantakecareofmyself阿斯塔你更喜欢Asta,doyouprefer糖果蛋糕还是红丝绒蛋糕aconfetticakeoraredvelvetcake?我觉得派好因为如果你吃不完Ithinkpie,becauseifyouareunabletofinishit,我就可以吃了Illeatit我会后
15、悔这么问的为什么呢mgonnaregretasking,butwhy?在我的星球有个美好的仪式Oh,thereisabeautifulritualonmyplanet就是每当我们派自愿者thatwheneverwesendoffavolunteer去执行自杀任务时onasuicidemission,就要为他们准备最后的晚餐weprepareforthemalastmeal.你不准去Yourenotgoing.再见哈利Bye,Harry.那就派好了putpie.我会没事的我会好好的mgonnabefine.mgonnabesogood.不你No,you-你可以相信我爱你哦Youknow,youc
16、antrystme.Iloveyou.这一片的房♥子很抢手Housesinthisneighborhoodareverydesirable.是吗Really?那太好了当然Oh,thatsgreat.-Oh,yeah.我很在行的Iknowmystuff.怎么回事Hey.Whatsgoingon?我之前碰到朱迪提了一嘴Well,IranintoJudy,andImentioned我们打算把房♥子卖♥♥了的事thatwewereputtingthehouseonthemarket.结果发现她是个房♥产经纪人Anditturnsou
17、tthatshesarealtor.那个还不完全是Well,notnotfully,notyet.我就是老考不过Ijust-1keepfailingthetest.但只要我通过考试我姨芭芭拉ButuntilIpass,myAuntBarbaraletsme就会让我接手她不在乎的那些客户workwiththeclientsthatshedoesntcareabout.所以你是认真的Soyoure-yourereallyseriousaboutthis?是我跟你说过了Yes,Itoldyou.而且朱迪有些很好的主意AndJudysqotsomereallyqoodideas.对没错我有好主意Yes
18、,Ido.YesIdo.好了看这边二位A-right,thisway,folks.你们喜欢动物纹理图案吗Howdoyouguysfeelaboutanimalprint?像斑马啊Zebra?显然这些沙发太丑了Imean,obviously,thesecouchesarehideous.不能放那这些装饰都太丑了Noonthat.Allthistrimisjustugh.显然你们需要祛除Obviously,youreqonnawanttogetrid这些死肉味ofthedeadmeatsmelland-这是真的吗arethesereal?不这是件好事说真的都得换No.Thatsagoodthing
19、.Itsateardown,really.但我们会先卖♥♥了然后他们才会意识到Butwe,llsellit,andthentheyllrealizeitlater.你们有手写的标志牌吗Doyouquyshaveanysignswithcursiveonthem?像那种往湖里跳1.ike-like-like,Letsgojumpinthelake,或是那种极度有趣youknow,or,like,Greatfun,r光光多点光懂吗1.ight,light,light.Youknow?开阔一点丢掉这些Justopenitup,qetridofthat,全都敲了blowal
20、lthisout,youknow?做成个大厨房♥Makeitonebigkitchen.这里放披萨烤箱Ooh!Apizzaovenrighthere.爆米花机其实更好Popcornmachinesactuallybetter.能吸引眼球Itdrawstheeye.你们需要吸引别人的注意Youreqonnawanttodrawtheeye.不是这些主意-好吧Mm-hmm.Notthose.-Yeah.我只是不太确定Youknow,mjustnotsure现在是不是出♥售♥的好时机thatitstherighttimetosell.市场行情什么的-不不会的
21、Youknow,themarketandall.-Oh,no.No,no.凶宅的市场一向火爆Themarket,salwaysstrongforamurderhouse.什么msorry?是这样Oh,well,OK.严格来说是谋杀后自杀Yeah,technically,murder-suicide.我不太同意是谋杀1dontknowaboutmurder.,之前的户主不是Imean,didntthe-didntthepreviousowner滑倒的吗justkindofslipandfall?对没错Yeah,shedid.她腹部中枪Sheqotshotinthegut,被自己的血滑倒slipp
22、edandfellinherownblood,然后背后又中了两枪andthenshegottwomoretothebackexecutionstvle.什么What?本你忘了吗Ben,dontyouremember?-Hmm?一年级你就写过这个故事Youwroteastoryaboutitinfirstgrade.画了不少画用完了所有红色的蜡笔Youdrewallthepictures,usedupalltheredcrayons.没想起来Mm,notringingabell.谁中枪了Whogotshot?还有棕色的蜡笔记得吗Someofthebrowncrayonstoo,remember,
23、因为那个女士拉裤子里了becausetheladyshitherpants.好了麦克斯你能上楼去吗OK,Max,canyouupstairs?我想念所有好听的故事Imissallthegoodstories.我只是觉得YouknowI-1justthink我们至少应该先谈谈thatweshouldatleastmaybetalkaboutit.对我们刚谈过了Yeah,wedid,justnow.我不能住这Icantlivehere.OK.那我来列清单一好Solldothelisting?-Yes.那你们开始装♥修♥吧Andyouguysgetstartedonthe
24、renovating.但你知道吗Oh,youknowwhat,though?要我就不会把地板拆了Iwouldntpullupthefloorboards,特别是地下室的地板definitelynottheonesinthebasement.除非你们喜欢骷髅因为有些人喜欢Unlessyouguyslikeskeletons,whichsomepeopledo.我们可以在万圣节挂牌出♥售♥WecanlistitonHalloween.炸Boo!来吧Comeon.也许应该连带我在内Maybewecouldiustburnthehousedown一把火烧了这房&hearts
25、;子withmeinsideit我闻到烘焙香味了Ismellbakedgoods.香蕉面包是给实验室的艾丝特Yeah,thebananabreadisforEstheratthelab让她快点提取彼得巴♥赫♥面包车上的指纹toexpeditetheprintswegotfromPeterBach,svan,巧克力曲奇饼干andthechocolatechipcookies是给邮局的莫琳areforMaureenatthepostoffice让她去催实验室的艾丝特tohurrytheprintstoEstheratthelab.那蓝林松饼呢Andtheblueberr
26、ymuffins?给本的ForBen.他喜欢吃Helikesthem.这个给你-太好了Andforyou.-Yes!这是我祖母的秘方Mygrandmotherssecretrecipe.我从她抽屉拿走的那天ThedayItookitfromherdrawer,她朝我头卜.丢了块面包shethrewatoasteratmyhead.她很厉害但也是我Shewastough,butshewasalso在躲避球游戏中战无不胜的原因whyIwentundefeatedindodgeball.半边有6个蓝莓Theressixblueberriesinonehalf另外半边就2个andtwoblueberr
27、iesintheother.你的烤箱是侧放的吗Wasyourovenonitsside?还是不要了谢谢Nothankyou.托雷斯警探找你Also,DetectiveTorrescalledhere已经打过两次电♥话♥了twicealreadylookingforyou.咱们还是说工作好吧1.et-letsjustqettowork,OK?不你不愿谈这个Oh,no.Yourenottalking,你跟她玩消失吗Areyoughostingher?鬼是会说话的副警长Ghoststalk,Deputy.这是鬼会做的许多事中的一种Thatsoneofthemainthin
28、qsghostsdo.如果有人有话想说Ifsomebodyhassomethingtosay却在还没说出口就死了andthentheydiebeforetheysayit,他们就会变成鬼theyturnghost.他们会在雾蒙蒙的镜子上写字Theywriteonfogged-upmirrors.会在你晚上入睡前在你耳边私语Theywhisperinyourearbeforeyoufallasleepatnight.会把浴缸的水变成血Theyturnbathwaterintoblood.知道吗这是在沟通OK?Thatscommunicating.好吧OK.你有什么没跟莉娜沟通吗Isthereso
29、methingyourenotcommunicatingtoLena?听着她为我们计划了下个月的旅行Getthis,right-sheplannedatripforusnextmonth,全部费用她出allexpensespaidbyher.一开始她是吃饭买♥♥单Firstshe,spayingfordinners.现在又要付整个周末的开销Nowshespayingforentireweekends下一步做什么她要把肾捐给我吗Whatsnext?Sheqonnagivemeherkidney?别又这么想Oh,notthisagain.你说得对不说这个Yourerig
30、ht,notthis.因为这个话题已经结束了Becausethisconversation,itsover.我要把松饼给本拿去然后拿一个mbringingBenhismuffinsandmtaking艾丝特的饼干oneofEstherscookies.饼干是给莫琳的Oh,thecookiesareforMaureen.艾丝特的是香蕉面包Estheristhebananabread.我不在乎Idontcare.至少巧克力碎是平均分布的Atleastthechocolatechipsareevenlyspaced.给丽芙副警长给你做了些一边倒的松饼Here,DeputyLivmadeyousome
31、lopsidedmuffins.我最喜欢这些了Oh,Ilovethese.这是什么Whatsthis?你要弄个泳池吗Yougettingapool?不好说Uh,Idontknow.凯特想把房♥子卖♥♥了Katewantstosellthehouse.我想着也许我建个泳池她就不卖♥♥了IthoughtmaybeifIputinapool,shedwanttostay.游泳别找我Youcancountmeout.我不在别人泡过的水里游泳Idontswiminwatersomebodyelseistea-bagging.我们肯定会
32、穿泳衣的mprettysurewe,dbewearingbathingsuits.水又不管这些Shit,waterdontcare.就算你把茶包装在速比涛泳衣里再放水里YouwrapateabaginaSpeedoandyouputitinsomewater,SPeedO是一家澳大利亚的游泳和沙滩运动品牌以生产高性能游泳衣、泳裤、泳帽等游泳装备而闻名得到的还是youstillqonnaqetacupoftea一杯有蛋蛋味的茶thattasteslikeyournuts.还有其它原因我没得选Forthat,andotherreasons,itsnotanoption.因为我负担不起Icantaf
33、fordit.是吗Really?把你的鞋袜脱了Takeoffyourshoeandsock.什么-你听到我说什么了What?-Youheardme.赶紧光脚让我看看Goonandmakeyourfootnaked.Letsseeit.我不要mgonnasayno.这可能违反人力资源规定了Uh-possibleHRviolation.不错脚还挺漂亮Yeah,thatisaprettyfoot.你有个舞者的脚弓Youqotyourselfadancersarch.我的天啊天啊Ooh,my,my,my,my,my.知道吗Youknowwhat?我知道你问题的答案了Iqottheanswertoyou
34、rproblems.下班后来见我Youcomeseemeafterwork.把脚带上Bringyourfeet.我的同类不该放弃地球Mypeopleshouldnothavegivenup交给灰人theEarthtotheGreys.他们冷漠无情但我们每次对垒Theyareruthless,butwehavebeatenthem都打败了他们everytimewehavefacedeachother.我不需要同类的帮助Idonotneedthehelpofmypeople去打败一个灰人混血todefeatasingleGreyhybrid.我会很高兴用我的方式去对付Iwillbeveryhapp
35、ydoingitbymy-好吧Allright.开始吧1.etsdothis.我知道这栋楼Iknowthisbuilding.我曾来这申请居住过Iappliedforanapartmenthere,但被拒绝了but1gotturneddown.一个灰人却能住进来AGreyalienqotin?简直扯淡Thisisbullshit.你待在这你望风Youstayhere.Youwillbethelookout.没门Noway.这些房♥间都是新装♥修♥的Alltheseunitsarenewlyrenovated.我要看看他住哪间Iqottaseewhich
36、onehegot.Hmm.他很可能还有蒸汽浴房♥Heprobablyhasasteamshower我要去那拉个屎Ineedtotakeashitinto.好吧OK.我去你会飞Holyshit.Canyoufly?我要是会飞还爬什么劲IfIcouldfly,whywouldIclimb?真是搞笑Imean,seriously.但我哪个都不会Well,Icantdoeither.抓住绳子拉我上去Grabtheropeandpullmeup.糟了没抓着Oh,no,Imissed.拉我上去否则我在酒吧贴告示Pullmeuporllputasigninthebar说哈利范德史宾格会踢狗th
37、atsaysHarryVanderspeiglekicksdogs.我不会Idonot.谁造的谣Whotellstheselies?是我你个白♥痴♥我刚编的Me,youidiot.Ijustmadeitup.然后人们会相信我Oh.Andpeoplewillbelieveme因为你长了一张会踢狗的脸becauseyouhaveadog-kickingface.我没有Idonot.拉我上去否则我编个更恶劣的Pullmeuporllmakeupworse.我才没有长一张会踢狗的脸Idonothaveadog-kickingface.扔吧Throwit.J我就像个强盗JJr
38、mlikeabandit?J在午夜时分JJIstealkissesofhersJJ偷走她的吻JJLateinthemidnighthourJ等下你在干什么Wait.Whatareyoudoing?你说的对Youreright.我的最爱Oh,myfavorite.对不起msorry.我没法用我这张踢狗的脸直视你mhavingtroublelookingoutofmydog-kickingfaceatyou.这是镇上最好的汉堡Bestburgersintown.天啊Jesus.好了明天见Allright,llseeyoutomorrow.真的有人为这付钱吗Peoplereallypaymoneyf
39、orthis?要是你继续动就不会你别动Notifyoukeepmoving.Yougottastaystill.我正在找角度mtryingtogettheangleright.我没法不动脚抽筋了Icant.0w!Cramp.不行抽筋了-继续就这样Cramp,cramp,cramp,cramp.-Oh,useit.Gowiththat.网上专门有这种网站叫痉挛区TheresawholesectionofthewebsitecalledCrampus.天啊听着这样太奇怪了Oh,God.No.Look,itsjusttooweird.我知道你在干什么Iknowwhatyou,redoing.你搞得好
40、像这事很龌龊一样Youretryingtomakeitsounddirty.不会的Itsnot.这不龌龊Itsnotdirty.现在把脚趾张开Nowspreadyourtoesforme.赚钱不可耻Noshameinmakingmoney.毕竟基本生活的根本1mean,therootofessentialliving就是经济安全和独♥立♥isfinancialsecurity,independence.男人得照顾好自己Hey,aman,sgottatakecareofhimself特别是就算女人开始插足firstandforemost,evenifawomanins
41、ertsherself计划旅行andstartsplanningtrips.莉娜为我们俩计划了一场临时旅行1.enaplannedanimpromptuvacationforthetwoofus.在你说“那又怎样”之前Andbeforeyousay,SoWhatj我要告诉你事情不该是这样的thatsnotthewayit,ssupposedtobe.这种事应该由我提出来msupposedtobetheoneinitiatingthat.谁说的Sayswho?这话跟“那又怎样”差不多Now,thatsveryclosetoSowhat.你说的是角色Well,youretalkingaboutro
42、les,每个人在一段关系中都扮演了一个角色andeveryoneinarelationshiphasaroletheyplay,其实也能行anditworks-只要你们其中一个不会在十年后aslongasoneofyoudoesntsuddenlyswitchuptheroles突然转换角色aftertenyearssoyouhavenoidea搞得你不知道她是怎么了whatshappeningwithher.好吧我感觉不像是在说我了OK,IfeellikethisisnoIonqeraboutme.我8岁时我的老师让我们写下WhenIwaseight,myteacherhaduswrited
43、own暑假想要做什么whatweweredoingforsummervacation.我写了害怕Iwrote,Fear.,这就是我我就是这样的人Thatsme.Thatsmything.结果突然凯特开始怕鸟Now,suddenly,Katesafraidofbirds,这让我很恐慌andthatscaresme.我要怎么成为躲在床底下的那个人Imean,howamIsupposedtobetheonehidingunderthebed因为她已经在那了whenshesalreadythere?我来点拨你一下Well,letmelayalittlewisdomonyou.男人的工作就是照顾好他的女
44、人就这样Amansjobistotakecareofhiswoman,fullstop.像我很传统对吧See,me,mold-school,right?我喜欢为人开门Ilikeholdingdoorsopen.难道真的要一个女人DoIreallywantawoman把外套放在水洼上whosqonnalayherjacketoverapuddle好让我的鞋不打湿吗somypumpsdontqetwet?你们又没结婚Well,yourenotmarried.要是不喜欢她就分手Ifyoudontlikeher,breakitoff.我确实挺喜欢她的Idolikeher,alot.莉娜是个很棒的女人Imean,Lenasanamazingwoman.她聪明漂亮Shessmart.Shesbeautiful.对战术刀很有品位Shesqotgreattasteintacticalknives.好吧-还有独♥立♥自主Sure.-Independent.我其实喜欢她的独&heart
